Unbreakable Mind & Body
Welcome to The Unbreakable Mind & Body podcast with host, Tiana Gonzalez—a multi-passionate creative, storyteller, and entrepreneur with a fierce love for movement. This is our space for powerful stories and actionable strategies to help you build mental resilience and elevate your self-care practice. Together, we’ll unlock the tools you need to create an unbreakable mind and body.
Unbreakable Mind & Body
Your Inner Critic Is Not Your Truth
Shame and self-judgment can be the invisible chains that hold us back from living our most authentic lives. Have you ever stopped to wonder who's really behind that critical voice in your head?
This powerful episode explores the relationship between shame, judgment, and authentic self-expression. Drawing inspiration from Brené Brown's groundbreaking work on vulnerability, we examine how shame fundamentally represents our fear of disconnection from others.
Through personal stories about career choices, educational paths, and family dynamics, we unpack the complex layers of programming that influence our self-perception. Our beliefs don't emerge from nowhere – they're passed down through generations, often by people who were simply doing their best with the tools they had.
The journey toward authenticity requires courage. Remember, vulnerability isn't weakness – it's where true human connection happens.
Ready to break free from unnecessary self-judgment? Your answers might just unlock a profound shift in how you see yourself and relate to others. Subscribe to the show and join me on this journey toward building an unbreakable mind and body.
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Disclaimer: This show is for education and entertainment purposes only. This is not intended as a replacement for therapy. Please seek out the help of a professional to assist you with your specific situation.
Welcome to the Unbreakable Mind and Body podcast.
Speaker 1:I am your host, tiana Gonzalez, a multi-passionate, creative storyteller and entrepreneur with a fierce love for movement. This is our space for powerful stories and actionable strategies to help you build mental resilience and elevate your self-care practice. Together, we will unlock the tools that you need to create an unbreakable mind and body. Welcome back to the show. I am your host, tiana, and I just want to say thank you so much for tuning in. I've gotten a lot of great feedback on the show. I am your host, tiana, and I just want to say thank you so much for tuning in. I've gotten a lot of great feedback on the show.
Speaker 1:Even this past week, I kind of felt a little bit uncertain about what I wanted to talk about on this particular episode and I was feeling a bit uninspired. And then, just yesterday, I had two different people from two different quadrants of my life give me some positive feedback about episodes that they listened to, that they said helped them and, seriously, this is why I keep showing up and doing this thing so quick. Thank you to those of you who have been tuning in and if this is your first time tuning into the show, welcome. Have a seat, grab a notebook and a pen. I always will give you some things to think about, some questions to ponder, and I believe that through the downtime, when you're relaxed, when you're calm, that's when the downloads will come to you. So that's why I always encourage people to either bookmark the episodes that speak to them or to just write down the questions that you want to think about at a later time, or just think about and then leave it up to the universe to deliver the answer at the right time. So this episode is going to be primarily focused around judgment and shame, and one of the things that I have had to really work through in my adult life is overcoming unnecessary feelings of shame and self-judgment. Now it is important that we talk about the definitions of these things, because, while we all may assume we know what they mean to us or how they make us feel, shame is really rooted in this fear of disconnection, really rooted in this fear of disconnection. That's really what it boils down to, and I will tell you that the first time I was brought to my knees, hysterical, in tears, watching a TED Talk, was the Brene Brown TED Talk the Power of Vulnerability. I highly recommend if you have never seen this TED Talk. It is worth the 20 minutes of your life.
Speaker 1:This TED Talk took place in Houston, texas, in 2010. So it's about 15 years old. The video has 23 million views. Let that sink in. This video has 23 million views. Brene Brown was already a very well-established author, speaker and somebody who has helped other humans work through their struggles. I don't actually know her formal title and it's funny because in the TED Talk from 15 years ago, that is actually how she starts the conversation, coming up with the appropriate title because she is a researcher, but she's also a storyteller and I'm a storyteller too, obviously.
Speaker 1:Now this TED Talk ultimately navigates the conversation around. Why do some people feel their worthiness, or lack of worthiness, of love and connection and good experiences and it really came from this place of well? The people who can give of those things so easily also believe they're worthy of receiving them. This is where I had to pause the video and I just started bawling. Now I wish I could remember how the video was sent to me or how I stumbled upon it, but either way, it's been something I viewed so many times over and over. I always walk away after watching it feeling like I've learned or heard something new from that presentation, from that TED Talk. So again, I highly recommend you watch.
Speaker 1:But the conversation, particularly around judgment Now this one, this one's really sticky for me and it might be for you too, because I think it's important to recognize where are you judging yourself unnecessarily in your life? That's the first question. Where are you judging yourself unnecessarily in life? Now, about two months ago, now, about two months ago, I started working with a new mentor and I enrolled in her mindset course. I call it therapy because it truly is like therapy for me and her course, the coach's course, is all about working on your beliefs, on your inner narrative, getting your nervous system regulated, being able to fully step into your authenticity and, yes, these are things I have been working on for most of my adult life.
Speaker 1:However, the work is never done. So I got to a certain level and then I sort of plateaued. So I got to a certain level and then I sort of plateaued. This coach has been helping me with getting my mind right, with feeling more comfortable in different, bigger capacities, with holding space, and what's interesting to me is that I organically sort of flew through all of the material. It's a self-paced course that has an online community where we can ask questions and converse with other students in the course. We have lifetime access to the material and we do a group call once a month.
Speaker 1:So within the course work, there's workbooks and I flew through the first three modules. There's four modules and then some bonus material. The first three modules flew right through. It Wasn't rushed, wasn't losing sleep over it, but just was very excited and engaged. And then I get to phase four and we start to talk about judgment and for some reason I could not get myself to do the workbook. I printed it out and I would answer a question and I just couldn't get my mind right for some reason. Now it's funny because I had to tell myself okay, let's not judge myself in this situation for not feeling inspired and motivated, charismatic whatever word you want to call it enthusiastic to do this workbook. I'm just going to leave it alone.
Speaker 1:And I moved on to the next video and I skipped ahead. But then I had to go back to the judgment chapter and do that workbook and I thought it was fascinating because it's the kind of thing where I said to myself I thought I did this already. Like what's going on here, like, didn't we work through this already? Don't we know where these beliefs come from? We know that this is not true, that this is just some narrative I've been programmed to subscribe to from my childhood. But this is not who I truly believe myself to be. Nor do I need to feel shame or be afraid to be seen. And guess what? Apparently I did have some shame and I still have some work to do mentally in my heart, in my head, in my soul. And it really is so interesting when I look back in my past, on all these times in my life where I felt I was judging myself for things that were not fully in my control, um, and I had to stop and ask myself whose voice is that? Because I want to be nice to myself. So who's judging me? Like, where is this coming from? And that leads me to the second question, which is what is the root belief here? Like, what is this judgment all about? Let's just slow down for a moment and think about where this is really coming from.
Speaker 1:When I think back to the early days in my career, I felt like I was not being paid what I was worth. I remember being in engineering school and our professors telling us things like yes. School and our professors telling us things like yes, when you graduate college, your starting salary will be significantly higher than your friends who are in other majors or who are studying different things at different schools. Because you're in engineering. That simply was not for me. I remember feeling judged when I changed jobs because the time that I grew up in in the 80s, our parents, our grandparents had one job for multiple decades. They never left the companies. It was a very different time so I thought it was a bad thing to change my job because it would be something else to add to the resume that I wasn't loyal to a certain company. I remember judging myself around the idea of changing my major. I'd never changed my major even though I knew from day one of my first day of college freshman year that engineering probably wasn't the right thing for me. But I stuck it out for four miserable, grueling years because I had some shame around changing my major or changing schools. I thought change was bad.
Speaker 1:I've even felt shame around posting certain types of photos. I remember first competing in some bodybuilding shows and posting a few stage photos, but having fear and uncertainty around doing photo shoots with photographers. Even though I'm covered, there's no nudity and nothing inappropriate, but I still felt some shame around putting these photos on the internet for simply anyone to view, these photos on the internet for simply anyone to view. Again, it's a different time. Through all of those things, where did the shame come from? Where was this judgment coming from and what was the root belief? I wish I knew back then what I know now. I wish I had the questions and the mindset to slow down and allow myself to be within my ears, within my head, within my heart, to really sit and answer those questions honestly. And I think that the shame really came from the fact that I knew what the answer was. I was doing what I thought I was supposed to be doing came from the fact that I knew what the answer was. I was doing what I thought I was supposed to be doing. I was doing what I thought would be approved. I was doing what I thought would just keep my head below the radar, don't cause too many ripples.
Speaker 1:I went through a really hard time, particularly with my mom, but also with other adults in my life who would make comments, and I don't think that they meant to hurt me, but as a kid, when you're insecure, when you're very impressionable, they sting and they stick with you forever. And I recall, I recall feeling badly for some of my birth, given gifts. I have no control over my appearance. I have no control over my body, especially what I was born into as a kid and I remember being treated differently by some family members because I was quote unquote the pretty one and I was smart and it was almost unfair in some people's eyes that, according to them these are their words that I was born pretty and smart and I had a really tough life but I seemed to be doing okay. What they didn't know was that behind closed doors, I was suffering. When I was about 12 years old, I had suicidal thoughts and I hated my life and hated everything in my life for a good number of years because it had been ripped upside down. My dad was on the cover of the newspaper for several weeks when I was in the seventh grade because of the crimes that he committed. My whole family was separated and torn apart and it was on public display for everyone in the community to witness. Now there's where some shame came from right.
Speaker 1:The third question which I kind of touched on already, is to ask yourself the judgment right that you identify and then figuring out, like what is the root cause or where is it? Stemming from Question number three is this belief true or is this a narrative that you have been programmed to subscribe to? I'm going to say that again. Question number three is this true or is this a narrative that you have been subscribed to, that someone programmed you to believe? Think about that, because that's what a belief is. It's a thought that has been living in your head for so long that in your core you think it's a truth, it's a fact. But is it or is that just the way you think? Now we have a lot of complex layers to work through. When we're talking about beliefs, when we're talking about programming, we are seeds or children of two complex human beings that came together and then they are the offspring of two other complex beings. So each layer has more personality, more culture, more experiences and definitely more trauma that they bring to the table.
Speaker 1:And I don't know about you, but in my family therapy was not a real big thing, especially for my grandparents. They didn't go to therapy, they drank beer. I remember being a little kid visiting my dad's parents and it was the strangest situation because my grandmother on my dad's side, she was divorced from my grandfather my dad's dad and she was remarried, but my grandfather was a merchant Marine. So when he would come home to the States and then ultimately they all moved to Puerto Rico. When I was about eight years old, they moved back there. When he would come home, guess where he wanted to be? He wanted to be with my grandmother, even though they weren't together anymore. Be, he wanted to be with my grandmother even though they weren't together anymore. Like they cohabitated in the same dwelling. They weren't together and I don't think that they were intimate any longer. I mean, I really don't know. I was just a little kid. But here's the unusual circumstance when I would go visit my abuela, she was there with her husband and my grandfather when he would be home from being out to sea. So that was confusing. I totally went on a tangent there, but I just thought that that I just had that thought as I was, as I was talking about complex beings and therapy not being a real thing for many generations, and perhaps the same is true for you.
Speaker 1:By the way, going to therapy is not a get out of jail free card. It doesn't mean you instantly bypass things. Going to therapy simply means that you are willing, maybe even eager, to unpack your shit and have somebody maybe help you fold it a different way and organize it and then repack it, but you still have the shit with you. It never leaves you. You just change how you navigate it internally.
Speaker 1:Now there's one more thing I want to touch on. When we're talking about judgment, particularly self-judgment, I want you to ask yourself what is the risk in following your heart and expressing yourself authentically? What is the risk in following your heart and expressing yourself authentically? Now we are in Pride Month and I am somebody who firmly believes that everyone is entitled to love who they love and to step into their authenticity in the biggest and most celebratory way, which is fucking scary, and I'm here to back up anybody who feels fear around that. I support you. But what would the risk be if you expressed yourself, if you showed up as who you really are? It would repel the wrong people, but you would also be a magnet for the right people. You would be an attractor, and you would be an attractor and you would also show others that it's okay to be themselves. It's okay to be unique. It's okay to be different.
Speaker 1:Now, of course, we live in a digital age. There are people who love to just say things for attention, do things for attention. I mean, that is the biggest or the most valuable form of currency that we have in this moment of time is people's attention. So there are those out there who look for the clickbait or who say things that are totally out of the ordinary and unusual because they want the attention. But for those of you who may feel some fear around truly expressing yourself by the way, this doesn't have to be in the online space. I'm talking about every single day when you don't feel fear that stops you from speaking your truth, or if you speak your truth in spite of feeling that fear, you allow for like-minded individuals to connect with you. That's how you build connection, through being vulnerable, and that's truly where the magic lies.
Speaker 1:I have had fear. I still do have fear. This, this, uh, not this episode this podcast launched on March 11th it was on a Tuesday and I still have fear that certain people in my family are listening to this show and just collecting data and notes, ready to attack whenever the opportunity presents itself and that could just be in my imagination or it might be real. Either way, I'm going to do whatever the fuck I want anyway, because I am 46 years old and I am not living behind a mask anymore, talking about shame.
Speaker 1:In my childhood, when my father got arrested and went to jail my mom, she just thought she was protecting us, but she would tell my brother and she would tell me not to tell people where he was. She didn't want them to know. Tell him he's upstate. Not very original. I mean. Thinking back now, people probably knew exactly what that meant. But at the time we were protecting ourselves, we were protecting our family, we were protecting our reputation. And I do still find it quite interesting when I share with people that yeah, my dad went to prison when I was 12 years old. That immediately go what for. With people that, yeah, my dad went to prison when I was 12 years old, that immediately go what for. Come on, that's really rude number one. And if you are genuinely curious time and place, I have no shame talking about it. It's not something I'm guilty of, but it's still painful to discuss.
Speaker 1:And remembering this grieving child that I was seventh grade, I mean, I just remember the kids at school talking and whispering behind my back and saying all sorts of stupid shit and I got to tell you as a little kid I was kind of an asshole because we didn't have a lot of structure and true discipline in the home when we lived with my dad. So the attention I wasn't getting at home I was for damn sure going to get it at school wasn't getting like the top grade on an exam or in a class submission Like. I remember in fourth grade I got the best grade in the class on a history exam and I fucking was showboating it for days because I was so proud of myself, mainly because I wasn't one of the nerds in school. I wasn't labeled as a nerd but I truly was. But I remember just always, always acting out, being loud, being rambunctious, getting attention, jumping up and down and thinking back now I'm sure I was really fucking annoying and I understand why some of the other kids in my school probably didn't like me very much. High school probably didn't like me very much. Then you add this layer of me growing up with a dad who found himself in trouble and people pointing fingers. So yeah, I had no shame as a kid until it flipped on its head and then I had a lot of shame.
Speaker 1:But, going back to life, when we look back at the decisions we make, think about times where you judged yourself. Think about times where you didn't follow your heart. Think about times where you really wanted to do something and something else stopped you, like it was so close but just oops, not enough, or not this time. So I want to go back and repeat these questions for you so that you can explore them on your own time and in your own way. Number one where are you judging yourself unnecessarily in life? One where are you judging yourself unnecessarily in life? Number two what is the root belief here? Number three is this true or is this a narrative you have been programmed to subscribe to? And number four what is the risk in following your heart and expressing yourself authentically?
Speaker 1:I challenge you to show up to an event, to a conversation, to a get together, to a meeting, to a session with your trainer and be a little bit more open the next time. You never know what someone is going through behind closed doors or in their head, or right before they walk out to meet you or train with you or have a drink with you or meet you for dinner. Everybody has a story, everybody's dealing with shit, everybody's going through something. And when you're vulnerable and when you give people permission to just kind of fall apart a little bit in your space and feel safe, that's where you create real connection. People may not remember everything you say or everything you do, but they, for damn sure, will remember exactly how you make them feel, exactly how you make them feel. I hope you enjoyed this episode. Thank you for being here. If you enjoyed this show, please follow along so you can get notifications whenever an episode is published. I appreciate you being here and I'll see you on the next one.