Unbreakable Mind & Body

Trust Your Gut When Something Isn't Quite Right

• Tiana Gonzalez • Episode 25

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Have you ever stayed in a relationship you knew wasn't right, simply because leaving felt more terrifying than staying? That's exactly the journey I'm unpacking in this raw, honest conversation about self-forgiveness and the courage to walk away.

Drawing from my personal experience with a relationship that spanned from 2006 to 2009, I share how I ignored my intuition early on, convincing myself that this person was "my soulmate" despite glaring warning signs. We connected through music, shared experiences, and genuine moments of intimacy – but underneath it all, something was fundamentally missing. 

What made this decision so agonizing wasn't just leaving the relationship itself, but confronting how much precious time I'd invested in something that wasn't serving me. 

I lacked clear understanding of what love should look like. This relationship represented the "best" I had experienced, even with its obvious flaws.

The real transformation came not just in leaving, but in learning to forgive myself for staying too long. If you're holding onto something that's "almost right but not quite," I hope this episode gives you permission to trust your gut and make the change your heart is calling for.

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Disclaimer: This show is for education and entertainment purposes only. This is not intended as a replacement for therapy. Please seek out the help of a professional to assist you with your specific situation.


Speaker 1:

Welcome to the Unbreakable Mind and Body podcast. I am your host, tiana Gonzalez, a multi-passionate, creative storyteller and entrepreneur with a fierce love for movement. This is our space for powerful stories and actionable strategies to help you build mental resilience and elevate your self-care practice. Together, we will unlock the tools that you need to create an unbreakable mind and body.

Speaker 2:

Welcome back to the show. I am your host, Tiana, and on this episode I want to talk to you about forgiveness, most especially self-forgiveness, and giving yourself permission to try again and to move forward after you may have suffered a big loss or you did not accomplish a goal that you had on your heart, or maybe just maybe you had something in your life that was almost, but not quite. Now I have been struggling recording this episode. In fact, this is my third take today and I want to focus around the concept of loss, but I want to frame it a little differently for you than perhaps you might have in the past. So I recorded a couple episodes and I usually and when I'm in my process, what I'll do is just hit record, I'll save it and then I'll either go back and record another episode or I'll start editing if I feel like maybe one of the recordings that I have is good content and worth editing and then posting. So I recorded an episode it's about 25 minutes saved it and I just felt dissatisfied, Took a break and I decided to pop on my phone real quick and I stumbled across a piece of content that stopped me dead in my tracks and it's a guy who is a content creator. He's in Australia and what really struck me is his very strong resemblance to my ex-boyfriend and the ex-boyfriend like the one the relationship that I have said in the past has and, undoing all the damage that I had done to myself from learned behavior and from habits that I had picked up over the years and I put myself in therapy after this breakup, Now it stopped me. This video stopped me dead in my tracks because the resemblance was so uncanny to what my ex looked like when I met him 19 years ago.

Speaker 2:

Now, for reference, I met this person 19 years ago. We had a bumpy start, Like we kept running into each other in similar circles at different places, like a club out in the Hamptons and then a bar in Stanford, and we would talk but nothing really popped off. And then eventually, I want to say like four or five months later, we run into each other again and we exchange numbers and from December of 2006 until June of 2009, I was on and off with this person and, for a little bit of background, I had an amazing boyfriend in college and then we broke up and I found myself in an abusive relationship in my early twenties and then I was in another relationship in my mid to late twenties with someone who it just wasn't. It just was not healthy, and then I wound up meeting this person. So I was kind of like I had this great relationship and then I had two crappy relationships and then in between there was some time off, obviously, and then I meet this person and we were really intense right from the beginning. It felt like this was my person, this was my soulmate, this is the one, and we had a really strong common love and passion for a couple of different things, including music and going to hear DJs, going to hear live shows, going out traveling to hear these artists perform, and that really was like the glue that kept us together. And now, for some people listening that might sound childish or silly, but when you have eclectic taste in music and you find someone that you connect with on an emotional level, on a spiritual level, on a sexual level, on mental level, and you're able to share that eclectic part of you, that really special, vulnerable part of you, with that person, there really is nothing like it when you can fully be who you were put on earth and meant to be. There's nothing like that when you can act silly and just be who you truly are, and that's what I had in this relationship, and so I don't think I was really level-headed.

Speaker 2:

When I met this person, I had been through a very serious trauma, maybe weeks prior to me first meeting him. So I was pretty raw and pretty vulnerable and I kind of latched onto him in an unhealthy way right from the beginning. I remember it was pretty intense. And then, probably about two months into us dating each other and we were not exclusive or we had not had the conversation that we were going to be exclusive just yet. But I remember saying to him once you know I'm really into you, but I feel like you don't like me that much or you're not that interested, and you know, maybe we should just stop right here. And I remember feeling in my gut that something was off. But he convinced me that you know he was interested, that he was scared, that he was a little bit afraid of commitment, that he had just gotten out of a relationship and he didn't want to jump right back into one. And so I remember leaving his house feeling like all right, fine, this is done.

Speaker 2:

And then him calling me saying like no, I want to work this out and basically it was kind of like he didn't really want to be in a relationship that was so serious, but he also didn't want to lose somebody like me, lose somebody like me. And so he kind of shaped up and in the beginning it was amazing. We we, you know, hung out with each other's friend groups. My friends didn't really care for him too much. Some of his friends I didn't really care for, but you know, you make it work and I I really thought that this person was going to be like the one I was going to end up with.

Speaker 2:

And of course, in the beginning it's the honeymoon phase, right. So you know, there's like a lot of dates and a lot of sex and there's passion and we're getting to know each other and spend so much time together and I would say probably it didn't even take a year. Probably about six months into it I started to really see some things that I wasn't pleased with. And my mom got diagnosed with brain cancer and I remember he wasn't there for me the day that my mom had surgery. She had a brain tumor removed and he wasn't there for me and you know, I just that was really the first big thing and we broke up and then we would try to work it out and get back together, and we did this a number of times.

Speaker 2:

And the reason why I'm even going on this story journey with you is because this was a situation where, when I finally did have enough, when I finally said no more, when I finally pulled the plug on this situation and said I'm done, I remember being so scared and so afraid and so hurt and also so fucking mad at myself for being in this situation for as long as I did. So I was in this contemplation place where I knew the writing was on the wall. I needed to end this relationship. But he was the best thing I had known as an adult as far as partners. So I think in my mind and in my heart I was a little bit scared to leave that situation, because what if I never found anything like that again, Even though what I would come to learn down the road after doing a lot of work on myself, is that he wasn't really that great.

Speaker 2:

So just because he was the best thing I had known up until that point in time, that doesn't mean that's the end, all be all. That just means that I didn't have great partners. Prior to I didn't have a good example of what a healthy male figure, a leader, a king, was supposed to be. I didn't know what that looked like. Remember, my dad went to jail when I was 12 years old and when I lived with him before that time he was a womanizer. So, again, I didn't have a great example and I think because of that I made some poor choices. I didn't know better. I think because of that I made some poor choices. I didn't know better.

Speaker 2:

But the part of this story that's really relevant is that, yeah, it took me about two years to end the situation, but then it took me probably another year and a half to two years to get over it. And it wasn't so much like yes, of course I missed the person, I missed the partnership, but I also missed who I was in the relationship and I missed having someone to do things with and I missed the intimacy of it, even though at the end of the day, like looking back big picture, there were a lot of problems and a lot of holes and that we were kind of pretending to get along. But I spent so much time being unsure what to do in the situation. And then, once I made the decision and I ended it and I remember vividly, it was a week before I did my competition the Atlantic States in 2009, which I won the overall title, and I'm still amazed that I was able to do that, because I was just about to embark on this breakup and what that healing journey was going to look like for me, and I beat myself up for years why did it take so long to make that choice? Why did I drag my feet? Why did I put up with his shit for so long when I knew I deserved better, when I knew he was taking me for granted?

Speaker 2:

And so what I want to press upon you is to really trust your gut, and you don't have to wait and understand why something is a no for you. You just need to make a move. The answers will come to you eventually. But if you feel in your gut that you're being disrespected, that it's not a good situation, that you are speaking up for yourself and you are not being heard, you're good that you're being disrespected, that it's not a good situation that you are speaking up for yourself and you are not being heard. You're not seen. This person doesn't have space for you. They're not respecting you or your boundaries or your wishes. Get the fuck out of there and do it like yesterday, Because we are not promised anything. Time is our most valuable commodity. None of us know how much we have left. So you cannot spend your time thinking you're going to live forever because none of us are, and prolonging grief, postponing, feeling pain. All you're doing is shoving it down. It doesn't go anywhere. You have to feel the feelings.

Speaker 2:

I've shared this on a previous episode where I went through a breakup right at the beginning of the lockdown time. So I had been seeing someone for about six months and what's interesting is this guy was the first person I had really given a fair chance to since the relationship that I ended in 2009. So 10 years I went 10 years of finding myself, healing, exploring some dating, not really having a lot of success and you know what I'm going to take that back. I did have success because I got more clarity on who I am and I think that that is successful, but what I mean by not success is like not really linking up with anyone special or valuable or important or worthy. I'm just going to put that out there. I didn't connect with anybody worthy not at that level and so it's 2019.

Speaker 2:

I meet somebody and we dated for about six months and I started to get the feeling like, uh, I don't know, this isn't, this isn't going in the direction I want, and I ended it. And it was very painful because I had opened my heart again. After 10 years, I finally was in a place where I was having connection with somebody and it was very painful to tell this person like I'm going to end this now because I don't see this going in the direction that I want and I don't have time to waste. And I remember there was no bars, no gyms, no concerts, no picnics, no get togethers. I just had to sit in my feelings and it was amazing because, as painful as it was, the only thing I could do besides watch Tiger King and Ozark on Netflix was sit with my feelings and sort through them and feel them, and I got over it pretty quickly.

Speaker 2:

So maybe something isn't working out the way you want it to. And if that is the case, I want you to ask yourself am I listening to my intuition or am I doubting it and I'm doing what I think I'm supposed to be doing, or am I sitting here deliberating and trying to come up with the reason why maybe, just maybe, it will work out and maybe, just maybe, I should hold out? Don't do that to yourself. Remember what I said at the beginning of this episode you have something in your life. It feels like it's almost just right, but not quite, and that's why we hold on to things. That's why we say let's just give it a little bit longer, let's just wait it out, and I'm giving you permission to make a change. And then I'm asking you to also forgive yourself.

Speaker 2:

A lot of times in our life, we think that forgiveness is letting the other person off the hook. No, it's not. If you can forgive someone for something that happened in the past, something maybe that they did to you or something that transpired between the two of you, maybe that they did to you or something that transpired between the two of you, the forgiveness piece is to take the weight off of you, to take the burden off of you, so that you can move on with your life. It does not mean you have to forget. It does not mean that you are inviting the person back into your life in any sort of way, but what it means is that you are no longer carrying around the resentment and the ill feelings and the weight of whatever transpired between you and this other person, and if you can't fully forgive, that's okay too. Maybe you will in the future.

Speaker 2:

So really be nice to yourself, really give yourself that grace and yeah, it's easy for me to say that, because I went through hell. I really tried to force a situation to be something that it wasn't and I refused to believe the truth and I didn't want to trust my gut. But eventually I got tired of being taken for granted. I got tired of being dissatisfied of being taken for granted. I got tired of being dissatisfied and I got tired of being the man in my relationship and leading everything and I said fuck this, I can do better, I deserve better, and guess what? So do you. I hope you found this episode helpful. If you enjoyed this show, please follow the show so that you can get notifications when a new episode drops. I truly appreciate you being here. Thank you for your time and attention and I will see you on the next one.