Unbreakable Mind & Body

What About Me? How This Question Changed Me

• Tiana Gonzalez • Episode 29

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"Well, what about me?" These four simple words transformed my understanding of boundaries and self-care. What initially shocked me—his casual request for coffee when supplies were low—ultimately gave me permission to prioritize my own needs without guilt.

The beauty of this lesson was its unexpectedness. While our relationship didn't last, his natural ability to advocate for himself showed me what healthy boundary-setting looks like. During the isolation of lockdown, I had time to reflect on this interaction. Where was I making unnecessary sacrifices? With family, friends, and especially clients, I needed to learn to say "this is what works for me" without apologizing for having limits.

The truth is powerfully simple: you cannot pour from an empty cup. When we fail to maintain boundaries, we end up resentful. The responsibility falls on us to clearly articulate our needs and limits, especially with those closest to us who might take our availability for granted.

What I've learned is that boundaries and kindness can coexist beautifully. You can be firm without being harsh. You can say "that doesn't work for me" while still maintaining peaceful relationships. 

The next time you feel drained or resentful, look inward and ask where you need to take responsibility for your boundaries. Because ultimately, if you don't advocate for your needs, who will? 

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Disclaimer: This show is for education and entertainment purposes only. This is not intended as a replacement for therapy. Please seek out the help of a professional to assist you with your specific situation.


Speaker 1:

Welcome to the Unbreakable Mind and Body podcast. I am your host, tiana Gonzalez, a multi-passionate, creative storyteller and entrepreneur with a fierce love for movement. This is our space for powerful stories and actionable strategies to help you build mental resilience and elevate your self-care practice. Together, we will unlock the tools that you need to create an unbreakable mind and body.

Speaker 2:

Welcome back to the show. I am your host, tiana, and on this episode I am going to share with you how one single moment with a guy that I was dating changed everything for me. Now, before you get all excited, the relationship was not that serious, it was pretty short-lived, but this one moment, this one interaction that I had with this man, changed the way I saw the world. It changed how I was going to operate when it came to maintaining boundaries, establishing boundaries, maintaining boundaries and not feeling shitty about it, doing it in a way that it feels good, that it feels authentic. Now social media will have us all over the place, because there are people who will say they're implementing boundaries, but what they're really doing is not facing the truth. They're avoiding confrontation. They're facing the truth. They're avoiding confrontation. They're avoiding uncomfortable conversations, they're avoiding being in uncomfortable situations and dealing with life. That's not healthy. But if you're someone who, like myself, who, like myself, works with a lot of people on a day-to-day basis, then there does need to be some sort of boundary when it comes to your phone and answering text messages and calls, when it comes to unplugging at night, when it comes to off hours and, truly, the only person that can establish what is acceptable or not is you? Now I want to tell the story about this one statement, this one question that this guy said to me. That really had me thinking. Now I'm painting the picture for you.

Speaker 2:

So he lived an hour away and sometimes I would sleep at his house, usually on the weekends, and every once in a while he would come down and I say down because he lived North and I lived South. He would drive South and surprise me, or sometimes we would go have dinner and then he would spend the night with me and he would wake up early in the morning and leave my apartment with me. He didn't like stay and hang out in my apartment. He went and did his thing, whether he was going to work or going home. He had an irregular schedule for his line of work. He always woke up in the mornings with me, regardless of the time. He would prepare coffee. A lot of times he'd pack my lunch. He'd make sure I had everything I needed. If there was snow on the ground or snow on the cars, he would turn my car on. He would clean it off. Really nice person.

Speaker 2:

And I have to say on a side note that although it didn't work out, I am grateful for that experience because I got to feel like what it feels like to be with a good person, with somebody who's got a soft heart, with somebody who can be kind and gentle in a world that's can be kind and gentle in a world that's kind of designed to make us be a little bit hard. So he always made coffee for us in the morning and would sit with me and sip on coffee and in his house he had a fireplace. In my house we would just kind of sit in bed and sit up and sip on the coffee for a few minutes before I had to get ready for work. And this one night I was preparing the coffee machine the night before with the timer and setting it up and I realized I didn't have that much coffee. So I go to my room and I say, hey, I don't think I have enough coffee for both of us. There's not that much. I should have went to the grocery store, but you know I've just been busy. And he looks at me and goes well, what about me? And that moment right there, that moment right there changed my perspective forever.

Speaker 2:

Now, in the moment, I just kind of took a pause and I said you know what, let me go check again. And I looked through the pantry in my kitchen and I did find more coffee, so we were able to have a cup together, which was really important for me. I really loved that slow, quiet, not a ton of talking, just being together sipping the coffee. You know, his hand like on my knee or my hand on him or whatever, like that is just so romantic and sweet and I love that. I obviously do cherish that, even though the relationship didn't work out and we didn't end up staying together much longer after that moment, because I realized that this is a good person. But if I was to move in with him or get more serious, I would be settling, because there were some real serious gaps in this relationship for me that I was dissatisfied with, even though he was a really nice person and I was very attracted to him. But the gaps were too big for me and so, instead of wasting anyone's time, I ended it.

Speaker 2:

Now we enter into this lockdown phase and in New York state it was pretty brutal. We had no clubs, no restaurants, no get togethers, no social events, no gym. It was tough. The first month or so, the first six weeks, it rained a lot, it was really cold spring here and I was left to just sit with my feelings and my grief and process. In some ways that was a blessing in disguise, because I had no other choice but to process my emotions and navigate that. And I remember the first day that I started to really think back on what were some of the holes in our relationship.

Speaker 2:

I remember that night when he said well, what about me? And I have to say I was slightly offended and also shocked and slightly in awe because how could somebody say well, what about me? You're not the one going to work the next morning, I'm the one going to work first of all, so you don't really need the coffee. You could stop at the gas station right up the street and get a cup if you need it, right? Also, he's the man in the situation, so he should give me the coffee if there's only enough for one cup. So he should give me the coffee if there's only enough for one cup.

Speaker 2:

But the awe part was how natural it was for him to even say, think and feel that in that moment, and I really had to process this, because it showed me that he is someone who understands he needs to fill his cup too, and it's not necessarily selfish if you want to fill your cup first or if you want to fill your cup and then take care of other people. Now, I've said this many times in many ways on all of my social platforms and definitely on this show but you cannot pour from an empty cup. It's physically impossible. So that means you need to take time to replenish, take time to recover and take time to restore, and a part of that is to maintain your routine, whether it's a nighttime routine, whether it's a morning routine, whatever the rituals are. If those are the things that you need to operate in a efficient and optimal manner, then those are the things you need to be doing.

Speaker 2:

I was not upset in the moment when he said well, what about me? I was upset a little bit after the fact, but then I actually found myself feeling gratitude because it also showed me and gave me permission to fill my cup first, and this has helped me in so many ways, particularly in my work life, because I used to have a hard time with boundaries and feel frustrated and aggravated. And the truth of the matter is, if a client texts me late at night and I'm already in bed and I answer and I'm frustrated, well, whose fault is that? That's my fault? Is that that's my fault? But if I have my phone on silent, if I disregard, if I don't look at it, if I wait until a time where I'm actually awake and can piece together my thoughts and answer appropriately, or at a time that I feel is more appropriate now, I'm doing right by this other person. So there's nothing wrong with not answering right away, but there is something wrong if I'm going to answer right away and then hold a grudge or be irritated or act like a bitch the next time I see this person, when I could just say like hey, just so, you know I go to bed at nine o'clock most nights of the week and be done with it. You know I go to bed at nine o'clock most nights of the week and be done with it. So that question well, what about me?

Speaker 2:

Pivotal changed the game for me in so many ways because it really got me thinking. Where am I making sacrifices for people that I don't need to. Where am I letting people walk all over me? What situations? With my close friends, with people that I've known for years, with family, with anyone who might take me for granted because they think they know me, because they've known me for so long? Where do I need to reiterate what my limits are, what my boundaries are, and how can I do that in a way that says what about me? And also, I'm sorry, but no, that doesn't work for me right now. This is what works for me Because ultimately it's on me. It is my responsibility to make sure that I am clear in communicating my needs, my desires, what my non-negotiables are, and doing it in a way that I can still have peaceful relationships but maintain that boundary, especially with the people that I care about the most.

Speaker 2:

I just had a weird interaction with a friend of mine a couple of days ago and it was primarily weird because the person caught me completely off guard and I answered at an inopportune time in between something when I was rushing and, unfortunately for me, I just rapid fire answered without really thinking and put my phone down, and then, hours later, I see a response and the person was like can we talk on the phone, because I think you're really upset with me and I'm not and I wasn't. I was just caught in a moment and I was super busy and I just fired off a response without giving it thought and realizing, well, there's a situation where I didn't establish the fact that I was very busy in the moment and at work and couldn't answer properly, and that's on me. So the next time you find yourself feeling a little bit aggravated, or you feel drained, or you feel empty, or you feel like you don't have enough time, or you feel like things are not where they need to be, I'm challenging you to look in the mirror. I'm challenging you to take a look at where you can take some responsibility for that, because if it's happening and it's happening often, or it's happening with the same person, and it's happening often, or it's happening with the same person, you know, ah, every time this person calls me, they just drive me nuts. Well, you are the one that is allowing them to drive you nuts. And maybe, if they always reach out to you at a time that you want to be relaxing and you don't want to be on your phone, you can let them know that in a nice way, in a way that's not going to be damaging to the relationship.

Speaker 2:

Now, that's obviously just one example. There are millions, but it is up to you. If someone is irritating you, if someone is pressing a boundary, you are responsible for reminding them. You need to do it in a clear way. You need to hold the line and be firm. You can be kind and firm at the same time. I hope you found this episode helpful. If you enjoyed the show, please follow along so that you can get notified when the next episode drops. I love doing this, I love having these conversations with you, and I am so grateful to have you here in my world sharing these stories, sharing these experiences with me. This is all I got. I'm going to leave this one right here and, as always, I'll catch you on the next one.