Unbreakable Mind & Body

I Never Fit In Anywhere: Navigating Cultural Identity as a Nuyorican

• Tiana Gonzalez • Episode 31

Share episode

Have you ever felt like you don't quite belong anywhere? That feeling has followed me throughout my entire life as a Nuyorican with a distinctly Hispanic last name but without the language skills to match.

My journey with cultural identity began in childhood, where my Puerto Rican parents made the difficult choice not to teach me Spanish—a decision rooted in their desire to protect me from the discrimination they had faced. "We want to make sure that you do not face as much racism as we have," they told me when I asked why we didn't speak Spanish at home. This well-intentioned protection created a disconnect that followed me into adulthood.

School environments only magnified this sense of displacement. In the Bronx, kids called me "Blondie" because of my appearance, while in Westchester County, I faced different challenges, including being falsely accused of being an undercover narcotics officer by other students of color. 

Now in my forties, I'm embarking on a deliberate journey to reclaim parts of my heritage through language immersion, committing to daily Spanish practice despite having tried and failed before. This path has led me to three powerful questions that might help you explore your own identity - tune in for more. 

What parts of your identity are you reconnecting with? 

Send us a text

Connect with Me

Instagram: www.instagram.com/tianasmindandmoves

Website: unbreakablemindandbody.com

Email: info@unbreakablemb.com

Download your Free 5-Min Pre-Workout Guide:

https://tiana-gonzalez.mykajabi.com/likeyoumeanit

Disclaimer: This show is for education and entertainment purposes only. This is not intended as a replacement for therapy. Please seek out the help of a professional to assist you with your specific situation.


Speaker 1:

Welcome to the Unbreakable Mind and Body podcast. I am your host, tiana Gonzalez, a multi-passionate, creative storyteller and entrepreneur with a fierce love for movement. This is our space for powerful stories and actionable strategies to help you build mental resilience and elevate your self-care practice. Together, we will unlock the tools that you need to create an unbreakable mind and body. Welcome back to the show. I am your host, tiana, and on this episode we're going to dive into the topic of identity, particularly cultural identity, and by the end of this show, you will walk away with a few questions that you can contemplate, reflect and journal upon. Now, why am I bringing this up? Well, I got to tell you that the story of my life has always been that I never really felt like I fit in anywhere. I couldn't find a group or an identity, a cultural surrounding that I fully felt reflected myself or that I fit into. Now, being in my forties, maybe that's not such a big deal. Maybe that's not such a big deal, but when you're a little kid, it's everything. And when you're made fun of for having a certain type of name and not really fitting the mold and being made fun of extensively, it's fucking huge. So let's just get it out on the table right now I am not fluent in Spanish and I am what we call a Nuyorican. My background is Puerto Rican. Both of my parents are Puerto Rican. I was born here and I was not raised in a bilingual home, so I have one of the most Hispanic last names ever. So I have one of the most Hispanic last names ever, gonzalez and yet there are things about me that don't quite fit the traditional definition, and I'm going to be straight up with you. We're going to go right for the kill in this episode. The reason why I don't speak Spanish fluently yes, as an adult I take full responsibility, but the reason why I wasn't brought up in a bilingual home is because of internalized racism. What the fuck am I talking about? Well, let me explain.

Speaker 1:

In the 50s, massive groups of people left the island of Puerto Rico to come to mainland America, to the United States, for opportunity, for a better life, and somewhere during that time, the idea of trying to fit in, of trying to blend, of just not raising any more flags than were already being raised, was something that really became fundamental for my dad. Now, my dad, I believe, was born in New York. He was not born in the island of Puerto Rico. His older siblings were, but he was born here.

Speaker 1:

But this idea of fitting in, of blending, of not being so Puerto Rican, of not sounding ignorant, now, mind you, these are the things that were spoken in the privacy of our home. I'm not saying that these are true or real for everyone else. This is my truth that I experienced and the stories that were shared with me behind closed doors in the privacy of our own home. And, as a result of it, when I started to get older and I asked my parents why they haven't taught me Spanish or why I wasn't speaking Spanish, both my mother and my father, already separated, going through a divorce at the time said we want to make sure that you do not face as much racism as we have. So when you are applying for scholarships for college and when you are at your first job or when you're being interviewed, that people are not going to treat you differently because they think that you are a certain type of person or that your intelligence is at a certain level because you may or may not have a bit of an accent. So there was really no slang spoken in the walls of my home when I was a kid we were not allowed. I literally would get my ass beat. But outside, of course, when I was with my friends, especially for the years when I lived in the Bronx, it was a little bit more relaxed. But within the walls of my home it was not. We were very proper. It was almost so far gone. It was a joke and my brother and I would joke about it when nobody else was around, about how strict it was with the words we were not allowed to say or the intonations we were not allowed to use, and that was because my mother was trying to drill in a certain type of behavior.

Speaker 1:

Now, of course, I took Spanish in school and there were moments in my teen years and in my young adult life where I was just starting to get more comfortable putting myself out there and trying. When I was 14 and 15 years old I was still living in the Bronx and I had a friend who would speak to me in Spanish and, truth be told, in the beginning of our friendship I used to pretend I understood what she was saying and I would nod and then just say what and ask her to repeat herself, because I would pretend I didn't hear her, but what I was actually doing was translating in my head. But then we moved and we moved to a place where there were not a lot of Spanish speaking people where I could practice with. I also had a ballet teacher who had the same last name as me and she would sometimes practice with me after class never during class because she didn't want the other students to think we were being rude or not inclusive, but she would practice with me before and after class and she was from Mexico, super sweet lady. She got me out of my shell in many ways, including on the dance floor and then also with my language. I always remember her. The one thing I remember about her too, side note is she was very muscular for a ballerina, very thin, long limbs, but very fit and toned. And I found out that she used to lift weights, which of course, I loved.

Speaker 1:

But going back to me, yes, at a certain point in life it falls on me, it's my responsibility, it's on my shoulders. But as a baby, those are the best years of your life to absorb language. Baby, those are the best years of your life to absorb language, multiple languages, and not get them confused and not sound ignorant, and to speak both or all of them well, but I missed that window and I missed that opportunity. There was a period of time where my father felt like racism, particularly against Latinos, was at an all-time high. He was denied a job because his last name is Gonzalez. He would apply for certain things in college and he was denied and he truly believed he was qualified, but it was because of his last name or his heritage. How true that is, I don't know, but it is not an unbelievable story or an exaggerated story. So here I am now.

Speaker 1:

It's 2025, I'm almost 47 years old and I've done this before. I'm almost 47 years old and I've done this before, but I'm recommitting to immersing myself in Spanish every single day. Let's just add it to the list, because I don't have enough to do, right, and then practicing with anyone I know around me. That is not going to make fun of me. Now I will say and this is kind of mean, but it's the truth when I was taking Spanish lessons and I did try to practice with my mom, she would always laugh at me, and I think that I don't think she was trying to be mean. I think she was just so surprised at how I was really trying and the Spanish I learned in school is not the same Spanish she grew up with, so some of the words were different. And I think, looking back, knowing the situation in our home at the time, she was under a lot of stress. She was in a very stressful situation with her job. She was a personal trainer, she was teaching aerobics classes, her and my stepdad were trying to conceive, so there was a lot going on and I don't think she had the patience for it. I wish that she didn't laugh at me, because it definitely discouraged me from ever wanting to try again and I actually feel badly for sharing this, but it's true. It's what happened multiple times. By the way, I have tried recording this episode at least four times. All the sirens are out.

Speaker 1:

When I got to eighth grade and the first part of high school, I lived in the Bronx and I didn't fit in there either. Definitely did not fit in because I didn't speak Spanish and I am white passing, so the kids in school used to call me Blondie am white passing, so the kids in school used to call me Blondie. And then, when we moved to Westchester, it was even worse because I was in all AP and honor roll classes and the only small group of diverse students in that school that I went to in Northern Westchester County lived in a group home. And what really sucked is that a couple of them accused me of being a narc. They thought, okay, anybody from the 80s listening you might remember the show 21 Jump Street, listening you might remember the show 21 Jump Street how these adult plainclothes detectives would go into, like teen schools and college campuses to try to bust drug dealers and gangs and all sorts of shit. Yeah, I remember their ringleader. She will remain nameless but she went around and told everyone in the school that I was an undercover narc and not to talk to me and not to trust me.

Speaker 1:

So I really had a hard time because not only was I in a new school, new environment, went from an all girls Catholic school where we wore a uniform which was big, to a small co-ed wear your own clothes so everybody could see what you have or don't have and try to make friends and no one wanted to talk to me. And again, feeling this is my experience feeling like I was too white for the brown kids and that I was too brown for the white kids. I also was not a jock because I didn't play sports and I wasn't really a music theater nerd although I loved music, theater and band and chorus. That wasn't my only angle. I had multi-dimensions to me, so I was alone a lot. And here I am now at this age immersing myself in listening to Spanish every single day.

Speaker 1:

Sometimes it's a podcast, sometimes it's watching a video, and really input is the best way to learn a language, not the traditional way, not using an app, not practicing phrases that you're never going to use in real world applications, but listening to conversation and inputting it, just absorbing it and listening. And the thing that's cool is with videos, you can see pictures or demonstrations of what the people are talking about. With a podcast, you have to really, really listen and try not to watch the um, what's the word, closed captions or transcripts, but really just sit and immerse yourself in the language. Now I have a language arts teacher as one of my besties and he put me on to a few resources that were free and then he said you know, immersing yourself in the language is truly the best way to improve your skills and then you just got to get out there and practice. You got to find people that you can just practice with and tell them where you're at, tell them you're learning, tell them you're a beginner and that you want to get better, and hopefully they can be kind and patient and give you that courtesy and grace. But it still doesn't help with the identity part, right, because at least, speaking the language, yes, you'll feel a little bit closer to who you are in your ancestry, who you are when it relates to the blood in your veins, but who you identify with is something you have to feel.

Speaker 1:

So the first question for you is is my identity, my current identity? Is it something I feel strongly connected to, or is it something that I've been told to feel strongly connected to? It is a learned sort of thing that is, this is who you are. Take it or leave it, because that's a different vibe. I will tell you, it really grinds my gears when people ask me what my background is, because it means nothing. I didn't grow up in the typical fashion or in a stereotypical fashion like other people of other cultures. Is there an influence? Of course, but it's not all that there is. So I really hate it when somebody brand new asks me where you're from, what's your background? What are you? Nine times out of 10, I say I'm American, because that is the truth. That is the truth. That's a complicated question with a very complicated answer that maybe a stranger does not deserve the privilege of having or of knowing about me Right Now.

Speaker 1:

The second question how has my identity evolved over time? This one is something that I had to sit with and think about. I remember going to visit my dad in prison and realizing, particularly as the years went on, that he had circled back and gotten much closer to his roots, because it was a form of connection, a form of connection to the past, a form of connection to his culture and his people and his childhood and upbringing. And I think that lends itself to a very common trend where, as we start to get older, we start to think about things like our upbringing or the home we grew up in. What was it like, what was the environment like, what did it smell like? Remember when we were kids and we used to do this or remember that time. And you have the stories. And, of course, as we get older, what happens? People we love pass on, they move on to the afterlife, so there's a rekindling of these stories that come back up to the surface. They bubble up Memories, photos, memorabilia, things like clothing, t-shirts, concert tickets, things that remind us of past events, stories, circumstances, people, things, things. And there's a vibe there too, thinking about that.

Speaker 1:

Has your identity molded, morphed, has your identity changed? I think it's natural that it will, and has and does and continues to evolve. Now the last question are there parts of my family history or genetic ancestry that I want to explore further? For me, the language is a huge piece where I can feel much more connected and immersed to my roots, to my roots. Now, I don't know a ton about my family tree, especially on my mom's side, because she did not meet her father. So I know about him, I've seen a photo or two, but I don't really know much. And on my dad's side I know some of it and on my dad's side I know some of it and I think that immersing myself I love that word immersion, immersion I just think about like floating in a pool of water.

Speaker 1:

Maybe it's kind of chilly and it's dark. The water is dark and we're just floating in there and there's some icebergs or like big chunks of ice and we're just floating, but it's safe, it doesn't feel scary, it doesn't feel dangerous, it's completely safe and you're just immersed and everything around you is all connected and tied together. That's what I feel. That's what I experience when I think of the word immersion. So we're going to get this language thing down because I am committed. I have committed to this and failed multiple times. Maybe now is the time.

Speaker 1:

I think it would be advantageous for me, especially in my line of work where I'm working with people in health and wellness, to tap into my Spanish speaking. Right now I'm pretty book smart with Spanish, but I feel very shy and intimidated to practice speaking. So I'm going to work on the immersion part for a long time. Based on the research I've done, it will be close to maybe 300 hours of immersion, maybe 500 hours of immersion before I feel like I'm comfortable in most conversations, maybe even reading novels. But I'm going to work on it. I'm committing to 15 to 30 minutes per day and that's big. That's a big variance. I think 15 minutes will be my minimum. If I can do more great and just work my way up little by little. I'm already getting better at understanding some of the language and conversations that I'm listening to and I would encourage you to do that.

Speaker 1:

What is something that you want to learn that you keep putting off, that you keep thinking about? Wouldn't it be nice? If well, what the fuck are you waiting for? You're not getting younger, right? Is it a language? Is it a skill? Is it some sort of hobby? By the way, I have completely fallen off with my painting. I don't know if you knew that about me, but I decided to start painting acrylic painting last year and a friend of mine took me to the arts and crafts store. I bought an easel, I bought brushes, I bought some paints, I bought a bunch of canvases, different sizes and I was going in and some of the pieces are incredible.

Speaker 1:

Considering that I intentionally chose not to take lessons or get tutorials on anything, I am completely just diving into this like a kid and experimenting and trying things on my own. In fact, I got pissed off at a friend of mine the same friend who took me to the art store because I painted something and I showed him the progress and he said can I make a suggestion? And I said no, you can't. And he went ahead and made his suggestion anyway and I told him to fuck off. Yeah, I did made his suggestion anyway and I told him to fuck off. Yeah, I did, because that is somebody who's trying to ruin the joy of me experiencing finding it myself. If you listened to previous episodes, you know I talk about this a lot Finding it yourself and then putting the puzzle together or getting to the answer, solving the riddle. There is so much joy to be experienced and had. In that alone. For somebody to rob it from you or take it away from you absolutely sucks. So, yeah, the painting has fallen off a bit, but I am committed to this show and I'm working on a digital offer. I'm dieting to take photos for digital offer with a professional photographer and now I'm gonna be learning Spanish again, plus my full-time job. So ya girl is busy as fuck and you know what. I would have it no other way.

Speaker 1:

So before we wrap this episode, let me run through the questions one more time. Hopefully you find it interesting, insightful, what you come up with, and they help you. So the first question is is my identity something that I feel strongly connected to? Question number two how has my identity evolved over time? And number three are there parts of my family history that I want to explore further. Now, once you have the answers to these questions, what are you going to do with that? Well, that's for you to decide.

Speaker 1:

So this episode is far less about strategy, but much more about setting you up to be successful in the quest, in the search of but you get to choose your own adventure, and I think that that's so empowering and so exciting. And I think that that's so empowering and so exciting, and I hope that you share what you come up with with me Now. In order to do that, you can check the show notes. You can get in touch with me on social media. You can also download an awesome free guide that I have created. It's a five-minute ritual before you get to the gym to help you set yourself up for success. The link to download that is in the show notes, along with everything else. I appreciate you being here. Thank you so much for your time and attention and, as always, I'll catch you on the next one.