Unbreakable Mind & Body

Digital Access & Options

• Tiana Gonzalez • Episode 39

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The digital landscape has created what I call "the illusion of access" – a false belief that finding someone's profile justifies making personal contact. I share three revealing personal experiences.

This phenomenon intersects with another modern dilemma – "the illusion of options." Many people claim to want meaningful relationships while remaining perpetually distracted by their phones, afraid to commit because someone "better" might be a swipe away. The paradox? We're more connected yet increasingly lonely because we've lost the ability to be fully present with the person sitting across from us.

Setting boundaries isn't selfish – it's necessary for your wellbeing. I offer practical strategies for managing digital accessibility while maintaining your peace: being intentional about what you share online, communicating clear expectations about how and when people can contact you, and prioritizing in-person connection over digital distractions. These boundaries protect not just your personal space but your capacity for genuine connection.

Your safety matters. Your peace matters. And sometimes, protecting both means recognizing when someone is crossing a line, even when they try to disguise it as innocent connection. How are you protecting your digital boundaries? Share your thoughts or experiences, and let's continue this important conversation.

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Disclaimer: This show is for education and entertainment purposes only. This is not intended as a replacement for therapy. Please seek out the help of a professional to assist you with your specific situation.


Speaker 1:

Welcome to the Unbreakable Mind and Body podcast. I am your host, tiana Gonzalez, a multi-passionate, creative storyteller and entrepreneur with a fierce love for movement. This is our space for powerful stories and actionable strategies to help you build mental resilience and elevate your self-care practice. Together, we will unlock the tools that you need to create an unbreakable mind and body. Welcome back to the show. I am your host, tiana, and on this episode we're going to talk about the illusion of access and how some people believe that they can use social media to get access to us, and layered with that is also the illusion of options and how that is screwing a lot of folks up when it comes to cultivating true, authentic, vulnerable connection in person, because they have this illusion of having way too many options. So by the end of this episode, you're going to walk away with just some ideas and maybe some strategy that you can implement so that you can protect your personal space and so that you can just have a buffer or maybe a boundary and feel okay with that, because you need to protect your peace, your loved ones and your wellbeing. Now, why am I bringing this up? Well, I'm going to start with the access piece. As a personal trainer with a personal brand, public profiles on social media and a website. It's no mystery to me that sometimes I'm going to be out and about. If I put my credit card down somewhere, if I make a reservation for a table to have dinner, or if I'm shopping and I sign up for the points membership club or an account with the store, I'm giving my information. It's super easy to look me up online and look for my branding information or use my email and or phone number and you think you can get access to me. You can get access to me, but I don't answer messages that are from people I don't know. Last week I was shopping for some furniture and the sales associate that I'm working with was phenomenal. The guy is a total fucking rock star and he is knowledgeable, professional, gave me a lot of breathing room when I first walked in the store, just kind of gave me some guidance, told me about some of the promotions, but just let me do my thing. He wasn't all over me, he wasn't smothering me and he wasn't pressing on me to make any sort of commitment. In fact, I didn't make any commitments. I did get two proposals. I had to give my information because it's furniture, so furniture needs to be delivered right. And as I'm leaving the store, he introduces me to another sales associate in the store and mentions you know, oh, she's a trainer. She likes to squat and deadlift, just like you. Mentions you know, oh, she's a trainer, she likes to squat and deadlift, just like you. And I don't really know where that was going. I don't know if maybe he was being friendly and just introducing me because the store is local to where I live and the guy goes to a gym. That's local. I don't really know the whole point. Or maybe they were just bored because it was a Friday afternoon and the store was dead. But I left the store and within the hour I had a following notification and then a notification that someone had messaged me in the DMs, the direct messages on Instagram, and it was the other guy.

Speaker 1:

Now I did not feel comfortable with this. I haven't said anything to anyone other than a friend of mine that you know. I just noticed. I thought it was a little bizarre. It makes me a little uncomfortable and I wasn't sure if I want to go back and do business with these people. But we're going to continue the conversation and test the waters.

Speaker 1:

I don't think I'm in danger. I don't think anyone's trying to cause harm. I do believe and I got to tell you my intuition is spot on. I do believe that this person may be hoping and maybe looking for a foot in the door. He's not going to get it. But it just leads me to wonder where do people think that it's okay to reach out to a stranger and just say, oh hey, nice to meet you, uh-huh, now I make it a fact.

Speaker 1:

It is a point that I keep my personal life as personal as possible, and my online presence really doesn't lend itself to showcasing whether I am in a relationship or whether I am not. It doesn't showcase what my sexual preference is. It doesn't showcase any of that. I talk about a few of my past relationships on this show and sometimes in my content online, but the current situation is private as fuck, and it's private intentionally, because it's truly nobody's business what my status is, and I like to keep it that way. So I thought it was interesting that this person sent me a message. I don't really know where he thinks it's going to go. It's not going to go anywhere. There has not been a follow-up message, which is a good thing. This was over a week ago, so maybe the silence is sending a clear signal and if I return to the store and decide to do business with them after the deal is done and the furniture is delivered, I may or I may not send an email to the corporate, but that's to be determined because I don't want anyone to lose their job and I'm certainly not the type of person to you know, tattle tell.

Speaker 1:

However, being a woman and then giving my information and then having a man message me mm-mm, I don't like that. It doesn't feel safe. It's interesting to me this unsafe thing. I don't like that. It doesn't feel safe. It's interesting to me this unsafe thing, because if you've listened to previous episodes, you understand that safety is my number one priority. It is my goal to make people feel safe in my presence. I go to extended efforts when I am coaching my clients to make sure that they feel safe, steady, secure and that they trust themselves, and they can trust me that they know I got them if they fail or if something doesn't work out the way they intend for it to, and then we'll regroup and assess and then take the next step forward, the next best step forward.

Speaker 1:

About a year ago I was having lunch at a very high class restaurant not Michelin star, but probably like a five star restaurant and I was on a date and it was a gentleman's birthday. So of course, I made a reservation. And about a day or two later, our server, who was very cocky messaged me on Facebook and the message said something to the effect of like oh it's so funny, I just stumbled upon your profile, this is so-and-so. I was your server. How did you and your husband enjoy your meal? Hope to see you again soon, bro.

Speaker 1:

First of all, no, you didn't just stumble upon my profile. You probably searched for me. Secondly, you're trying to get information about my personal life and the way the message is worded. You're playing a game, waiting for me to either volunteer information to say that's not my husband, or to get me on the hook somehow to get my attention, and it's not going to work. Now I told the gentleman that I went out to lunch with that. This happened and he was fucking furious. I had to beg him not to go to their headquarters because I do not want this person to lose their job. But yet again, I am in a vulnerable position. I don't feel comfortable going back to this restaurant and another situation where someone has made me feel like this could be a potentially dangerous or risky situation. Not cool.

Speaker 1:

Why do people do things like that and it's not everyone, but why do some people do things like that? And they do it in a way where it could be played down as oh, it was innocent, I was just reaching out, I just wanted to make a connection. And they do it in a way where it could be played down as oh, it was innocent, I was just reaching, but it's through my personal channels and it's not coming from the company that you work for, meaning like an email. So the furniture store? It wasn't an email from the furniture store on their network. The same thing with the server at the restaurant. It wasn't a more formal email or even a phone call from the restaurant introducing yourself and asking how the experience was. No, no, no, no. These people went a different route and use their personal platforms to reach out to me on my personal platform and I don't play that shit.

Speaker 1:

I'll never forget the time. This was about nine years ago. I was out to dinner with a friend and we went to this taco place in Peekskill, which is in New York. It's on the Hudson River and it was like the end of summer, so it was a beautiful night. We're sitting outside, you could see the waterfront, we're eating tacos, and I took a very fun picture. I have eight tacos in front of me on the table and I'm doing a front double bicep pose. And when we got home, I posted the photo on Instagram and on Facebook and wouldn't you know?

Speaker 1:

Within 30 minutes I was getting a direct message from a gentleman that I didn't really care for, messaging me saying hey, I'm at the taco spot. I don't see you. Where are you? Mm-mm. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 1:

That is the type of person that we don't want in our business, that we don't want around us, and that is the exact reason why I don't do updates in the moment, because you don't need to know where I am when I'm there. If I want to share it with my friends and family after the fact, then maybe I'll do that, but I have never been more grateful that I trusted my gut and said you know what, let me wait until I get home before I post about my evening, before I comment on how great the tacos were, before I share a fun little photo that I had taken with my girlfriends while we were out to eat, just having a good time, innocent having a good time, and then somebody had to come and try to ruin the moment. Well, the joke was on him, wasn't it? But yet again we have another situation where somebody was acting in a predatory way, trying to get access. Now it's very easy for someone in my shoes to start generalizing and saying this is what guys do, this is how it always is, and I'm not going to do that. I don't believe in generalizations. These are outlying situations and they were not close together and they were not the same kind of people. But it begs the question where is the audacity coming from? Where is the audacity coming from and why do people see certain things as an invitation to get in, to get access, to get into my life?

Speaker 1:

I know that I'm not alone here. I know that some of you listening have experienced awkward situations, very similar, and it made you sort of question yourself. You were confused. Did you answer? Did you just delete the message? Did it cause a problem in your personal life? Because I know that in some instances that could cause a downright explosion between someone and their lover or someone and their wife or someone and their significant other, their boyfriend, their girlfriend, whatever it is, whatever you want to call your relationship. Why do we like to stir the pot sometimes? Why do some people have fun with that, instead of directly asking the appropriate question and being a bit more genuine and a lot more vulnerable? Why? Because it's scary. Because if she never answers, you can just delete it and pretend like it never happened. But it did fucking happen. Yeah, it did.

Speaker 1:

Now I don't know if me responding or not responding to any of these things was the right thing to do. Ironically, in all three instances I did not answer these people, but there have been many more where I did answer, where I did say to someone please don't message me, I'm not interested and I'm not available. I don't care what you're saying or what you're selling, we're done here, but it gets exhausting after a while. So how will you communicate clear boundaries in your life going forward? And if someone makes you feel uncomfortable, are you afraid to voice that? Are you afraid to say it? Now, some people listening are going to say I can't believe you didn't answer it. You, you're so strong-willed. You tell people to fuck off. You speak your mind? Yeah, I do, and I also am very concerned about my personal safety. There are things I will never share online because I don't need anyone stalking me.

Speaker 1:

And, ps, it's not necessarily safe to always post where you're at live and in the moment, especially if it's work or you're wearing a uniform or you are showing the same route over and over and over again. I used to go for a walk in my neighborhood and I followed the same route all the time and I started to see someone every fucking time I was out for a walk and then I realized, oh my gosh, he's lurking and waiting for an opportunity to talk to me. That's why I see him all the time when I'm out for a walk at night after dinner, because I had shared that I was out for a walk at night after dinner so many times that people start to notice patterns, people start to notice trends, people start to make assumptions about you and we don't need that shit. So, thinking about access, how much access do you give to strangers? How many times have you responded to someone that you don't even know? How many times have you gotten an unsolicited message or inquiry from someone and it made you feel uncomfortable.

Speaker 1:

Be honest with yourself now. Don't soften it, don't downplay it. Be fucking for real, because I guarantee especially for my female listeners on here I guarantee if you told your partner, your significant other or your brother that you got all these messages, they'd be pretty pissed off. They might want to have an altercation or a conversation of some sort. And this is the thing. Many of us are conditioned to not cause ripples and waves, to just go with the flow, to not make such big deal out of it, to feel badly for people, myself included. But feeling badly for someone can also put you in a risky place, because I thought maybe I should be a little more careful once I noticed that I was seeing the same person every night out on my walks because I didn't want him to follow me home. I didn't want him to follow me anywhere actually home. I didn't want him to follow me anywhere actually. And there was another person that I had seen consistently out for walks and he just creeped me out. So if you don't want something in your life, don't continue to keep stepping into it, Don't keep announcing it, don't keep sharing it on the internet, because it could lead you into a dangerous or potentially dangerous situation that you didn't ask for and that you don't want and that you don't need.

Speaker 1:

Now thinking about options, it's interesting to me how we are living in a time that so many people are lonely. They want a significant other, they want a partner, they want to be dating someone special, but they can't get out of their own way. Because when they go on dates, they have their phone out on the table. Because when they go out on dates, they don't know how to communicate with the person sitting across from them. Because when they go out on dates, it's awkward as fuck because they don't have the communication skills required to stimulate the other person and think about having great conversation or talking about something interesting. There's the illusion of having so many options. That paralyzes people. They're afraid to commit. Because what if that other girl wants to go out with me tonight? But I already made plans with this one? Ah shit, so now you don't make plans at all. And then what happens? You get stuck home alone. Womp, womp.

Speaker 1:

If you want to create and cultivate connection, you have to be out there, you have to make eye contact, you've got to have conversation, and if you don't know how to do that, you can practice. Now I have this great idea to start putting together meetups of some sort, and it's kind of an infancy idea. Right now it's kind of like you know an egg that's being incubated and I don't really know what I want to do with it, where I want to go with it, how I want to execute, what the theme is going to be. But I know that there is a need for people to connect, so I just got to sit with it a little bit longer and let it marinate until the idea drops in, and I know that it will. But if you find yourself out on a date, do yourself a favor turn your fucking phone off, log off, just don't have it out. Be present, give the other person your undivided attention and check your phone later. Now.

Speaker 1:

I didn't mean for this episode to be so doom and gloom and serious, but it is a serious topic and if you're someone who has a tendency to look everyone up and follow them on their social media platforms, I'm going to challenge you to question yourself and your motives. Why are you doing that? Is there a reason? And if there is, and you're going to message the person, state it in the message. So the guy in the furniture store said nice to meet you, okay, but maybe if he had said nice to meet you, I was wondering if you could help me with my workouts. I might answer that you know. Or if he said nice to meet you, I'd like to put you on my mailing list for future sales and promotions that we have at the store. I'd probably be a little suspicious of that anyway, but that would be better.

Speaker 1:

So it's all about communication. It's all about being clear. It's all about setting your intentions and sharing it with the other party to make them feel comfortable and safe. And if you don't feel comfortable and safe, get the fuck out of the conversation. So here's some strategy for you, besides the putting your phone away or not being on it when you're in the company of somebody important, just communicate your boundaries with people. So if you are an entrepreneur or a service provider, you can be clear with your clients that if they need to communicate with you outside of the hours, that they're seeing you in person or that they're seeing you on Zoom, if that's what you do, explain how you want them to be able to reach you and be clear about the lead time that you need.

Speaker 1:

Some people will ask me if they can text me or call me over the weekend and I'll be very clear and fair with people and say, yeah, you can reach out to me, but on the weekends I try to limit my responses because I'm spending time with my family or I'm spending time doing what I want to do on my time off. I'll get back to you. Sometimes people will message me and I'll say we'll discuss this in your next session. Now I happen to do work in person, but I realize a lot of people don't, so it's all about being clear about what is the appropriate way to reach out to you and then what the expected return response time will be, typically if people know that they won't be bothering you as much, and when they do reach out, instead of being annoyed or frustrated, remember that you told them they could.

Speaker 1:

Hopefully these things gave you something to think about. Hopefully you'll be a bit more aware about what you're choosing to share online and how you're choosing to share it. And if you found this episode valuable, do me a favor, send me a text. There's a way to do that. Check the show notes. You can click send a text and I'll get it right to my inbox. I am so grateful to have your time and attention throughout this episode. I appreciate you being here and, as always, I will catch you on the next one.