Unbreakable Mind & Body

45. Who deserves your unfiltered joy?

• Tiana Gonzalez • Episode 45

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What if the most sacred part of you is the one that laughs too loud, dances in the kitchen, and tells corny jokes at the worst possible time—and what if that part deserves VIP treatment? Today I share personal stories about being “too much,” the difference between genuine effort and a polished “representative,” and why your playful side needs protection, not a muzzle. 


As we move, I talk about the moments that taught me to guard my joy: a partner who shut down when I danced, the thrill of nightlife in New York, and the loneliness that followed when I hoped a crowded room would translate into deep connection. 

Schedule play like an essential practice. Revisit the music that formed you and notice what comes alive. 

Name the people who welcome your unfiltered self, and if you can’t name them yet, start building that circle with small, brave steps. Your joy isn’t frivolous; it’s fuel for resilience, presence, and better relationships. 

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Email: info@unbreakablemb.com

Disclaimer: This show is for education and entertainment purposes only. This is not intended as a replacement for therapy. Please seek out the help of a professional to assist you with your specific situation.


SPEAKER_00:

Welcome to the Unbreakable Mind and Body Podcast. I am your host, Tiana Gonzalez, a multi-passionate creative, storyteller, and entrepreneur with a fierce love for movement. This is our space for powerful stories and actionable strategies to help you build mental resilience and elevate your self-care practice. Together, we will unlock the tools that you need to create an unbreakable mind and body. Welcome back to the show. I am your host, Tiana, and I have a question for you. Do you have someone in your life that you can have fun with, that you can let loose with, that you can be silly with and play? Now, by the end of this episode, we are going to dive into this in depth. And I have a few more questions that I'd love for you to either jot down or come back to the episode to contemplate. And this is an important topic for me because I truly believe that so many of us are living authentically, yes, in certain aspects of our lives and in who we are. But I'm curious if we are integrating all of the different facets, angles, layers, and complexities of who we are into one being. Now I will say this. I do believe that if you work in a professional setting, yes, you can be authentic. However, of course, it should be filtered because it is more important that you execute your job well, that you are of service, and that you are getting the job done to the best of your ability with the tools and resources you have at your disposal, and that you are meeting, if not exceeding, expectations for whatever that is. Now, in your personal life, I would suggest removing that filter so that you can be you. But then we dive into our personal relationships. And I recall when I was a kid and learning about dating and you know how to act properly and how to be courted and all of these things. I remember being told, well, the first year or so, you're not really dating the true individual, you are dating their representative. And it's only after you've invested some time that you start to see the true colors. Now, I believe there's a fine line when we're talking about romance and dating and love. There is a fine line between pretending to be someone that you are not, and perhaps holding back a little bit to give your best effort when you are genuinely interested in someone, when you are genuinely looking to make a romantic connection, and you want to put your best foot forward. But that's a slippery slope and a delicate line that there's no right or wrong way to navigate that because different strokes for different folks. Now, this topic is hot for me because I've recently encountered with two different people in my life, one in my personal life who's very special to me, and then one who is also special to me, and she is one of my colleagues at work. Where in both instances, separate times, I would say with my colleague, she mentioned it maybe four or five months ago, and with the other party in my life, this has come up in the last month, where they said things to the effect of, wow, you're really funny. And I didn't know you had this silly, goofy, playful side to you until recently. Now, for the professional setting, it would make sense that I would hold back with some of my joking and playfulness and being silly and giddy because it's more important for me that I am respected than liked. And when I'm in work mode, I'm very much focused on what I'm there to do, who I am there to serve, and making sure that I provide the best experience possible. So, yes, it would make sense that I'm not necessarily expressing myself in my most authentic, silly way, but yes, definitely still authentic in my focused fitness professional way. Now, in the other instance, this was a matter of feeling comfortable in the other person's company and feeling safe enough to let down my wall and to show more of my personal side, more of the silliness that I have, and be vulnerable. And that's scary as fuck. And I know you you will probably agree with me. About six years ago, I was dating someone. I've I've shared this story previously, but I was dating someone, it was very brief, but I liked this guy. And he saw me dance per possibly one time he's watched me dance. And I was just dancing around the kitchen, and he got so freaked out, so scared, he he like shut down, clammed up, ran away from me. And when I approached him and said, like, you know, why did you just do that? Why did you just walk into the other room? And he said, I'm intimidated by you. I can't dance like you. And I said, No one's expecting you to dance like me. I'm expressing myself and feeling the music. I'm not asking you to compete with me or even keep up with me, but you don't have to run away from me. It's almost as if I'm showing you a side of me and you're shunning it or dismissing it, or it makes you uncomfortable. Now, this is definitely a him problem and not a me problem, but it was eye-opening to say the very least, because I love to dance. It is my most favorite thing in the world to do. And so I understand it may be a little intimidating. But when you love someone or when you care for someone, even if you're not great at it, you can still support them and you can still encourage them. And so it was at that moment that I realized eh, this probably isn't gonna really work out. And it didn't. And after I ended it, I remember repeatedly beating myself up for even lingering for a little bit of time after that incident because this person made me feel like I had to hide a huge part of who I am in order to be accepted. And fuck that. That's not acceptable. That's never gonna happen again. But through that experience, I realized that perhaps I could filter a little bit of my too muchness until I felt comfortable enough to show more of it. Not because I want to hide pieces of myself, but because I want to be more selective about who deserves to experience the best of me. I hope that makes sense. So I have now recently made this connection where I do feel I can play and joke and be silly and have fun, and I have this connection at work as well. And it's been so much fun to have someone I can feel safe with to be fully meet at all times. And I think that that's really special. Now I'll never forget the night. I want to say this was probably, I don't know, 17, maybe 20 years ago. And I went out to a nightclub with friends in New York City, and there were name tags at the door, and you could playfully put on your name and then wear the sticker name tag around throughout the night. And don't you know that I wrote that my name was fun? So I was walking around with a name tag that said, Hi, my name is Fun. That got me into a lot of trouble. But it was so indicative of the kind of playful person that I am and that I used to be a little bit more boldly. I also wore a fake mustache several times when I would go out and just pretend like I was, you know, fully rocking a full-blown Yosemite Sam mustache and just be silly. I probably wouldn't do that now, but I definitely did that a lot in my 20s, just being silly, being playful, having fun, getting into cosplay, whatever you want to call it. But I definitely struggled at a few times in my life with balancing the different sides of me. I remember in my mid-20s to late 20s having three very distinct groups of friends or groups of people. I had my professional network, the people who I worked in commercial real estate property management with, people who I worked in engineering and construction with, and people that I went to college with. I went to Binghamton University. The second circle of people was my bodybuilding friends. These were the health knots, the people competing in bodybuilding shows, the folks I saw at the gym day in, day out. And the gym is interesting because it can become like a social hour and similar to a bar or uh a local hangout environment in the sense that people let their guards down in the gym, especially when it's your home gym, when it's your routine. You go there at the same time, the same days of the week, you see the same faces, you get comfortable. And so you let your guard down a little bit more. And then the third group of people was my nightclub friends. Being a club queen in New York City, I certainly had a huge network of acquaintances, and we'll call it so-called friends, and I'll touch on that in a second, that I would see at various parties throughout the nightlife circuit, different clubs, different uh DJs, types of music. I could almost pinpoint who I was going to see at various events because I knew the types of music that certain people enjoyed and what DJs they were fans of. You know, before the days of Facebook and social media, we had message boards. And I remember being on three different message boards. This is so cheesy, and it's definitely dating myself. But back in 2003, 2004, all the way up until probably around 2007, I was a member on these message boards. And you could create a screen name, you had an avatar, and you communicated in different threads on this message board. And one of them, the main topic was nightclubs. The other one was about one specific nightclub that no longer exists called Sound Factory. It was my favorite club back in the day. And so we people would join different rooms and dive into different threads on various topics. And sometimes people would create meetups, sometimes people would post their Halloween costumes, or they'd say, Hey, I'm going to Ibiza on these days. What parties should I go to? And can you make any recommendations? So it was a nice way to build an online community and be a part of something. And so it's through those message boards where I developed this large network of people that I would run into. And oftentimes, believe it or not, I would travel into New York City alone most of the time because I knew I was going to see people at the venue. I would never do that now. This is what happens as you get a little bit older, you start to become a little bit more scared. But there was a time where I would drive to the city, park my car, walk on the street in a scantily clad outfit, walk into an after hours, probably walk in and it would be dark, and walk out and it would be dark, and then come home, take a little nap and go to work the next day. But you know, when we're in our 20s, we've got lots of energy and we can do silly things like that. I had a lot of fun. I definitely did. But I had these three different groups of people, and I remember thinking to myself, if I ever have a big party, I'd have to be very selective about who I invite from here and here and here, because commingling these groups could be detrimental to my mental health. And I just thought it was so hilarious and interesting to have so many people in my periphery from so many different walks of life, different backgrounds, different uh socioeconomic status, different income levels, different education levels. And I loved it because it was my network and my world. But I struggled finding balance. And I think that for many of us, this is where the conversation starts to get connected here. Finding time for fun, it's it's never just going to show up. You have to actually prioritize it and make it important. And if you have a lot of responsibilities, if you have a lot of bills to pay, if you have children that you're supporting, now it gets tricky because how do you make time for something that is a pastime that isn't generating income and that is not helping your kids progress, whether it's in school or in their sport and hobbies, or just nurturing them. So I think that for each of us, it's about finding a space where you feel comfortable enough to make time for play and engagement. Now, I'm not saying go out to a nightclub and spend 12 hours and after hours. Absolutely not. It doesn't have to be that kind of fun. It can be something a little bit more health-centric and something that is simply to bring you joy. Maybe it's reading books or some type of art, learning a language, watching films, walks, riding your bike, dancing, my absolute favorite. But either way, I want you to ask yourself do you have someone or a few people that you can be silly with, that you can let loose with, that you can joke with? And I want you to think about that. And if you don't, then I want you to ask yourself why not. And I want you to ask yourself, why don't you feel comfortable around maybe your significant other or your partner to let loose a little bit, to be silly and to play? Now the next question I have is really going back to when you were a kid. Think back to when you were in middle school and in high school. What kind of music did you listen to? Yes. I want you to think about that. What kind of music did you listen to? And do you still listen to it now? And if not, how would it make you feel to find a couple of songs from that time of your life, put them on, and see what kind of emotions come up? See if you still enjoy it. Think about the memories that rise to the top. I know for me, middle school and high school, uh, middle school was definitely hair bands, rock and roll, metal. I grew up listening to everything, but I remember specifically sixth, seventh, eighth grade was a lot of hair bands, Skid Row, Metallica, Guns N' Roses, Poison, Bon Jovi, Winger, all of that type of music warrant. And Motley Crue. I also enjoyed a lot of early hip-hop and Spanish music, as well as things like Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, Santana. So that's really all of that. And then as I got into high school, that's when hip-hop really blew up. And so that's a lot of the boy bands, and then groups like uh Shy and Silk, and then we get into a little bit of the Backstreet Boys. Also, unfortunately, a lot of it was related to bad boy entertainment, and I hate to say it, but I feel a little shameful listening to some of that music only because of what has come up recently in the news. Now, I'm not somebody who believes in cancel culture, especially when there is really deep nostalgia attached to certain art expressions. But I probably won't play too much bad boy music going forward. That's just me. You do you, and I'm gonna do me. I do have a lot of nostalgia attached to that music and those times. And so, yes, the answer for me would be yeah, I still do enjoy a lot of that music, and my interests have expanded even further. Once I got into college, that's when I discovered trans, drum and bass, techno, jungle, electronica, and of course, techno. And yeah, I still listen to it now, absolutely. So back in the day when we had our um iTunes, if you put it on Shuffle on my iPod, it was all over the map. And that's just the way I liked it. Now, going back to thinking about the club time of my life, I remember being in a club so many times and hoping, almost praying and wishing that I would meet someone just like me. Someone who worked, had their shit together, paid their bills on time, and who also enjoyed the music and the nightlife scene, and somebody that I could truly, you know, connect with on an emotional and spiritual level. And I will say, did I meet a ton of people? Of course. Did I make any strong, deep-rooted connections that turned into something impactful and meaningful? I did, but none of them lasted very long. So whenever I was in between relationships, I would find myself looking for my needle in a haystack, looking for someone who was on my level. And I'm sure that there were plenty of people on my level that could have made great romantic partners that were in those same rooms. But I didn't find them and I didn't make that connection that I was looking for. And I went home many nights, sad, upset, a little lonely, licking my wounds, and thinking that maybe I was just meant to be alone for the rest of my life. I was looking for something really unique and special, and somebody that could handle not only the fun part of me, but also the more serious side. And that's where I found myself getting into trouble a lot. Now, as I've gotten older, I've realized that that fun side of me, that playful side of me, is something that maybe I don't want to have so prevalent and in the forefront. Like I've mentioned in the beginning of this episode, it's something that I hold back a little bit because I want the serious side of me to be more at the forefront and for the fun and the play to be reserved more for the people that get it, for the people that won't cross my lines, for the people that will respect my boundaries. So I'm hoping that this makes sense for you. Because I realized that in order for me to get closer to the things that I want in life, I had to pivot or change the way I was doing life, the way I was moving through life, the way I was showing up in various rooms and places and stages and events and things. Because the playful side of me is my most favorite side of me. It's my most sacred side of me, the dancer, the artist, the singer, the one who sends silly jokes to people. She's similar to my inner child. I want to take care of her. I need to protect her heart. And so I discovered that what worked for me was to not make her big be quiet and sit down, but really reserve it in the VIP section for those that I believe are worthy of experiencing it. And I don't know if this even makes sense to you or not, but it makes sense to the select few of my life that have turned and said, wow, you're really funny. And I had no idea you were this funny until just now. Because that's how I chose to move through life. Now, the last question, and this is something I'd really love for you to sit with. And if you have an answer, I'd love for you to let me know. Check the show notes so you can see how to get in touch with me and tell me do you make time for play? Do you make time for fun? And if so, what uh do you do? What is enjoyable for you? And how often do you give yourself the gift of experiencing it? You need to honor your soul and your heart and your light and the things that make you smile just a little bit, guilt-free. Because when you are in a good place, when you feel good, when you're smiling, when you're happy, when you are joyous, that emanates uh out of you and it uplifts the people around you. It's similar to what I always say here. When you work on yourself, that is the greatest gift that you can give to those you love and to those around you because you are making yourself a better version of you to step into the world, to make the world a better version of itself. That is your highest power, that is the best thing that you can possibly do. So I want you to think about who in your life can you have a good time with? What kind of music did you used to listen to? And do you still enjoy it now? And then lastly, let me know if you make time for play and fun and when and what. By going to the show notes, you can find out how to get in touch with me. I truly appreciate your time and attention. As always, I love you tuning in to sit with me and have this cozy conversation. If you enjoyed this episode, please give me a five star review and leave a comment. It would really help me out. Thanks so much for being here. And as always, I'll catch you on the next one.