Unbreakable Mind & Body

49. Time, Trust and Self-Respect

• Tiana Gonzalez • Episode 49

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Ever been asked for your advice, poured your best thinking into it, and then watched the asker ignore everything? In this episode, I open up about advice fatigue, why “picking your brain” often becomes extraction, and how to decide who gets access to your expertise without guilt.

From there, we dig into the link between safety and trust. I talk through routines that protect mental health and performance—early nights, early mornings, quiet rituals—and the social tradeoffs that come with discipline. 

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Your time is precious—let’s make sure the people around you treat it that way.

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Disclaimer: This show is for education and entertainment purposes only. This is not intended as a replacement for therapy. Please seek out the help of a professional to assist you with your specific situation.


SPEAKER_00:

Welcome to the Unbreakable Mind and Body Podcast. I am your host, Tiana Gonzalez, a multi-passionate creative, storyteller, and entrepreneur with a fierce love for movement. This is our space for powerful stories and actionable strategies to help you build mental resilience and elevate your self-care practice. Together, we will unlock the tools that you need to create an unbreakable mind and body. Welcome back to the show. I'm your host, Tiana. I gotta tell you, I am on one today. I'm a little sour, and I think I need to talk about it and share it with you. Because, one, I'll definitely feel better after I vent, and two, I think there's a valuable lesson or two in the story that I am about to share with you. I'm just curious, do you have people that approach you and ask you for advice? Sometimes they want to pick your brain, they want your professional opinion, they want to get your input on something that you're an expert on. And here's the thing: some of us have a lot of experience in a lot of things. So for me, I worked in corporate America, I also owned my own business, I've competed in multiple sports. I grew up in a karate school, and then I was in a dance studio for many years. I understood operations and a lot of the transferable skills that I have garnered over the last 47 years of my life being both a student and then an employee as well as a teacher and a coach and a mentor. There's a lot of areas where I have a lot of experience and I can share anecdotal evidence. I can talk about personal trials and tribulations, and I can also speak to science and data and just the way that things should be, could be, would be, if fill in the blank. And I'm a little sour today because somebody wasted my time. And my time is my most valuable commodity. Quite frankly, your time is your most valuable resource too. Mainly because we don't know how much of it we have. So when somebody asks for your input on something, they are taking your time. Time that you're never gonna get back. And a lot of times we do things in good faith. We give people the benefit of the doubt, especially if they present themselves saying, like, hey, I really value your input and I want your contribution to this. And then you start slicing and dicing the situation. And at the end of the day, if they take your advice or even some of your advice and move forward with it, then that was time well spent, particularly for them. Doesn't make a difference to you, probably, but for them, because they can see the value in what you said and what you shared and then move on with it. But you and I both know we have those friends, those cousins, those acquaintances, those coworkers who sometimes don't really want your advice. They want a sounding board so they can speak at you, maybe get a little bit of your input, and then rebuttal it and say, but, but, but, but, but this, but that, but this, but that. And that's where you get into people wasting your fucking time. And so this happened to me today, where uh somebody asked me for my input, and I had some strong opinions about the situation. I thought it was understood, like, yeah, you're right, that makes sense, that's logical, you're a smart thinker. And then only to find out shortly thereafter that the person went in a totally different direction, did not consider any of the valuable input that I provided, and wasted my time. And I really don't like that. It does not sit well with me, it makes me feel like I can't trust this person. And yes, I am very intense and extreme. That is my nature. I take a lot of things very seriously, and I take things to heart. So if I give someone my advice and we talk about it and we go back and forth, and we have a good exchange, and then they don't follow through on that. Well, now I'm fucking pissed off, and I'm not gonna give them advice the next time because my time is precious. And this led me to thinking about why am I so bothered by this? Why is it so frustrating for me? And what it really goes back to is the idea of feeling safe and secure and being able to trust the people that you surround yourself with. Now, in this particular instance, this is not just an acquaintance or a coworker. This is somebody who's pretty close to me as far as proximity and access and knowing things about my personal life. And I really do take offense because I don't need to waste my time. I don't need to share my input. I don't need to fill the air with facts, statistics, and my opinion. Because quite frankly, I am perfectly good keeping my mind occupied with things that are far more important, working on this show so that I could deliver a great experience for you, my listener, working on things in my uh therapy group, in my mental health coaching program, where I am a student and I am refining my craft and working on my social media posting and how it relates to where I'm at mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally. And then also, of course, my in-person work that I do full-time, which I absolutely love. And that is, you know, the fitness and the health, wellness, nutrition, coaching, and all that good stuff. And so I think that where I'm at with things, I know I'm severe, I know I'm extreme, I take a lot of things to heart. And that is because I also live with my heart on my sleeve. And so I thought about this long and hard, and it's not just today. This has happened millions of times. I have people who value my opinion in my workplace in the gym, and they want to know my thoughts about uh a certain modality, or my thoughts about a certain event, or my opinion on a particular workout, and what does it mean, and why should they do it a certain way, and all this good stuff. And at the end of it all, I've got to be more selective about who I choose to share with, because my energy and my time are my limited resources. Now, there's a lot of times where I want to go and do things with people. I want to go out to dinner in the city, I want to go to events in the city, I want to go to parties, I want to celebrate, I want to connect. And it becomes problematic for me because I also go to bed really early. I tend to wake up at 5 a.m. every day, even without an alarm clock. And so that means once it gets close to around 7:30 p.m., I am starting to decompress. I'm starting to pull myself away from the computer and the phone. Maybe I'm dimming the lights in my house. I might put a candle on, I might put some chill music on with my earbuds, take a shower, read a book. And yes, I'd love to read an actual paper book in bed before I fall asleep, not on my phone. And so that makes it really challenging because if I want to be social and if I want to connect, and if I want to do things that are fun, then sometimes I have to sacrifice my sleep. Sometimes I have to make compromises and not be so rigid and boxed and structured because having that crazy discipline also does not allow you to live sometimes. And life is meant to be enjoyed, and connections are meant to be made. But you gotta trust people. And so when they do things that put you on alert or put you, you know, on the defense, it makes you stop and say, Whoa, wait a minute, what's going on here? What do we got? What do we have going on here? Let's look at this relationship from an expanded view. Let's take a big step back, breathe, and look at it from another angle if we can. Now, not too long ago, I had a very jarring exchange with an acquaintance, someone who I truthfully have only met in person one time. Uh, but we are part of an online community, the same online community, and we connected through the community and then on social media, and then we decided to to do a meetup in person a few weeks ago, and we had a great time. And it was after that meetup where you know the person had reached out, and the messaging was a bit aggressive, it was very direct, blunt, to the point. There was no um gentleness, there was no manners. This person was just like, hey, what's up? What are you doing? Are we doing XYZ? And it was interesting because for me, I thought that it was a little bit forward and aggressive. And I remember thinking to myself, I have to be careful in how I word my responses to this person, because I want to be clear and I don't want to just come right out and say, no, I'm not available, or no, I'm not interested. Because when someone asks you, and tell me if this resonates with you, but sometimes when someone asks you, like, hey, what are you doing tomorrow? Or hey, what are you doing tonight? You got to be careful how you answer that, especially if you're an introvert, especially if you are not a people person, and especially if you have a very busy life and your schedule is sacred, right? Because you could say, oh, nothing, I'm home. And then they say, Okay, well, I'm coming over, or okay, well, meet me here, or okay, meet me there. And it's like, whoa, whoa, whoa. I never said I'm not doing anything, I'm just relaxing or I'm chilling. Like, just because it's my quote unquote free time doesn't mean I'm available for you or for the activity you're interested in doing just by default because I happen to not be tied up in something. And so in this exchange, I carefully worded my responses and said, Well, I have to do X, Y, and Z this weekend, but what do you have in mind? Are you looking to go hear some music? Do you want to meet for coffee? Would you like to connect at a local museum or go shopping? We could walk around the mall, we could go to lunch. And I was trying to throw out suggestions, but also just be loose with it because I do tend to be pretty fucking rigid. And his response was like, No, I'm going out. This is what I'm doing. This is what I said I'm doing, and this is what I'm doing. And I never responded, but I was so deeply triggered and I ruminated for a couple of days. I wrote a really long journal entry because I sat there and said to myself, you know, why is this, why is this entry, I'm sorry, why is this experience bothering me so much? Why do I feel so triggered by this person who I've actually only met in person once? Now, let me pause because I want to be clear. The person I'm sharing in regard to the story with the aggressive text messages is not the same person who kind of pissed me off earlier today. These are two different people, okay? Glad we're clear. Yeah, more than one person can piss me the fuck off. If if you can believe it, but that's that's genuinely possible. So going back to this journal entry, so I wrote and wrote and wrote and wrote and wrote, and I couldn't believe what was coming out of me. Now I have to say that I believe writing pen to paper is so cathartic. It really helps me clear my mind, clear my head, get all the gunk out, move these emotions through my body and get them out onto paper and out of my head. So they're not like swirling around as uh ferociously as before. Does the situation still bother me? Yes. Did I engage with this person since that weird exchange? No. Because it would have seemed like left field. Like putting this into perspective, this person really is not that important to me. They don't play a pivotal role in my life. I'm not related to them. I don't even necessarily have to see them ever again. And maybe just me because they feel incredibly comfortable with me. And that's why they approached me in the way that they did, in a very informal, casual, forward and aggressive way, like you would your sibling or an old friend sometimes. So perhaps that's what happened there. But I thought about this a lot, and what I came to uh find out about myself was that I didn't trust this person. How could I possibly, right? I've only met them in person once. And yes, we had a nice time. It was a group meetup. It wasn't just this other person and myself. There was a bunch of us at a coffee shop. And it was lovely and we had great conversation. But perhaps between the energy exchange, between the familiarity, there was a level of comfort established. And that can't necessarily be looked at as a bad thing. But for me, it forced me to think about what it is that I need from my friendships, from my colleagues, from my leaders at work, from my clients, and from the people that I allow closest to me. And I need consistency. I know in order for me to feel like I can fully relax, sort of lay back into that chair, breathe, let my hair down, and just flow. I need to feel safe. I need to feel secure. The situation needs to feel stable and grounded. There needs to be consistency in behavior, in language, in energy, in patterns. And truly, that only comes with time. So of course, somebody I only met in person once is gonna feel icky or sticky or weird and strange to me because we haven't established that solid foundation yet. But that is what I require in order to consider somebody a part of my life, in order to pull them in. And quite frankly, I need that from my clients too. I need to know that they are going to show up when we make an appointment. I need to know that they are putting in the work outside of the one or two or handful of sessions per week that we're doing together in person in the gym. Because if they are solely relying on that, they're not going to get the results that they want. But if they are adding to what we are doing together, then yes, absolutely, they will move forward. But why would I feel so bothered by somebody being either, you know, pushy in a text message or somebody wasting my fucking time in a conversation today and then doing something totally left field? And the this decision with this conversation from earlier today really doesn't impact me in any sort of way, but knowing the person and knowing what they have going on in their life and them opening up to me and allowing me the opportunity to really give them my full honest assessment and opinion, and then still doing something completely left field, it really does make me sit and wonder, like, what the fuck? So, yes, I'm venting. I feel a little bit better because I got these things off of my chest. And by the way, if you have something on your chest, I highly suggest getting a notebook, grabbing a pen, pouring your heart out, and just dumping it all out on paper because you will feel better about it. Now, if you are afraid of someone finding the paper or somebody using it against you in the future, then what you can do is go outside after you write everything out and sit with it, and then either tear those papers up and throw them in a fire, or light the papers on fire and throw it in like a metal container, or just tear them up into tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny little pieces so that nobody could put it together. But do something so that you can get these feelings to move through you because that stagnant energy can consume you and can upset you and can really put a wrinkle in your day or your week or weekend, and it's probably not worth it. Because the thing is that people do not necessarily consider you your perspective or how you're going to feel with every decision and every move that they make. Nine times out of ten, it's not until after. So that might be something for you to think about. And it's definitely something that I've been thinking about because the truth is that no one is responsible for my feelings and my emotions except for me. Funny story. Going back a few years ago, I remember at one of the camp experiences where I was in PowerMonkey camp in Tennessee. Uh, the couple that I work with, I consult for them, uh, the wife and I had a little bit of a uncomfortable exchange one morning. And she really didn't even catch it. Uh, somebody else saw that I was visibly upset, and I walked away only a few hours later for her to approach me and say, Hey, you know, were you upset with me about something that I said earlier? And I said, Yeah, I was. I was pretty hurt because of the way you spoke to me. And uh, you know, I just figured the appropriate thing for to for me to do in that moment was to walk away, remove myself from this situation and navigate my emotions and figure out what was really bothering me. And she said, Oh, well, you know, why didn't you come and talk to me about it? And I said, Because I needed to cool myself down. I didn't want to react or say something hurtful that I didn't mean, or really fly off the handle because I was feeling emotional in the moment. I wanted to address you at a later time, but you you beat me to it. You approached me first. And she's like, Well, what if I never gave you that opportunity? And I said, Well, I would have made it a point to ask you if we could speak at a time, you know, where you you could talk to me. And I remember saying to her, I was upset about X, Y, and Z. And I realized that you probably didn't mean to sound harsh or be so blunt, but it it stung in the moment, and I my feelings were hurt. But that is my responsibility, not yours. I am sensitive, I wear my heart on my sleeve, I'm an emotional creature, and my feelings are my responsibility to navigate. That is not your job. However, it is my job to let you know at some point, like, hey, that kind of hurt my feelings. And I'm sure you didn't mean it, but I thought I would let you know. And to which she looked completely dumbfounded, and then also said, Wow, you're very interesting and introspective. And I've never quite heard somebody explain it like that, but that's that's you know, really self-aware. And I said, Yeah, I I've done a lot of work on myself, and you know, it is worth having a conversation with you at some point because I we work together and I want to continue working together, but I also need you to maybe just be mindful that, you know, like, hey, I may look all big and tough and strong with these muscles that I have, but I'm really fragile and sensitive and emotional, and I take everything to heart, even when I know I shouldn't, because I'm delicate. And it was a really good conversation for her and I to have because we grew from that moment, we became closer from it. And so nobody is responsible for you or your feelings except for you. And you are responsible for how you navigate them, what you do with them, how do you respond to people? And sometimes no response is the best response. So, with my friend who sent me the really rude text message, I'm just leaving it alone. I don't need to explain anything. And I really don't feel like saying, hey, you know what? I don't trust you because that's something I have to figure out. And in order for me to build trust with somebody, I just need to be around them more, talk to them more, and spend more time with them. And so just like with your workouts, just like with your diet, just like with studying a subject in school or honing in on a craft or a skill, you have to be consistent in your practice. That is how you build that strong foundation over time. You repeat the patterns, you create balance, you're consistent with yourself, you're consistent in the way that you show up into the world, how you show up in your relationships, how you show up in your partnerships and your friendships with your working relationships. And that is how you build trust. That is how you create a secure foundation, that is how you know that you're good. Because if you're an emotional creature like me and you read energy and you're just hypersensitive because maybe as a kid you grew up with parents that were always yelling and screaming and fighting and hitting and punching things, you just became super vigilant. It's not intuition, it's hyper-vigilance because you were a parent pleaser, and then maybe you grew up to be a people pleaser. And when I say you, I'm actually talking about me because that was my experience. And so I had to learn how to separate what was I feeling here? Is that external or is that internal? Because if I really trust myself, I'm okay in any situation. But now it's a matter of do I want to be in that situation? In one of the first episodes of this show, I talked about how I always used to jump into shark-infested waters because I'm strong enough to swim in that water. But the thing is, even if I can handle it, I still was getting bit left and right. I still was getting, you know, torn up and bloodied and scarred. And I just got tired of that. Why do we keep choosing that? It's like going back to an abusive relationship. You're fucking blinded and brainwashed. And so you don't believe that you have another option. You don't believe that there are other choices available to you out in the world because you are so programmed to think a certain way. Maybe it is possible for you, but you have to take that step first. So you have to pull yourself away from those negative situations, stop jumping into that shark-infested water, start to realize that maybe you can be sensitive and fragile, and you can still trust yourself in the real world out there where it might be scary, where it might feel like can you trust anybody? Well, maybe you can't, but you can trust yourself. So I know I rambled in this episode and I talked about a whole bunch of stuff, and I hope that it all makes sense. Because at the end of the day, if you trust yourself, you'll be all right. And if you know what you expect from people and you have your standards and expectations and you communicate them clearly, there's no room for error, there's no miscommunications or misfirings on your part. And even when it's scary, even when it's uncomfortable, you speak your truth. That is what you should be doing. And I don't really like to use the word should anymore because there's an energy of like shame around it. So maybe I'll say that's what you could be doing. So I'm encouraging you to always live your truth. No matter what, no matter how hard it is out there, no matter how scary it is or how alone you may feel at times, because you're worth it. As always, I appreciate your time, energy, and attention to this show. If you enjoyed the show, please leave me a review, maybe give me a few stars. It helps the show to be discovered by other amazing people just like you. I'll catch you on the next one.