Unbreakable Mind & Body

52. Grow Without Abandoning Who You Were

• Tiana Gonzalez • Episode 52

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A single song can crack open a lifetime. When a classic New York club sound resurfaced, it sent me back to the girl I used to be—and forward to the woman I’m becoming. That rush of memory set the stage for a frank, compassionate look at real growth: the kind that shows up in your boundaries, your breath, and the way you treat people.

I share three grounding questions that helped my mindset as I integrate old self with the new.  We talk about the dark side of “doing the work,” where therapy-speak and morning routines turn into checkboxes and status symbols, and how to bring healing down to earth through everyday choices. 

From leaving a toxic relationship to rebuilding a nervous system that trusts peace, this episode connects personal stories with practical tools you can use today.

If you’ve ever felt like you had to abandon your past to become your future, this conversation offers another path: integration. We explore boundaries that are firm but humane, the identity shift that happens when suffering is no longer your baseline, and the quiet courage of acclimating to a life that finally fits. 

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Disclaimer: This show is for education and entertainment purposes only. This is not intended as a replacement for therapy. Please seek out the help of a professional to assist you with your specific situation.


SPEAKER_00:

Welcome to the Unbreakable Mind and Body Podcast. I am your host, Tiana Gonzalez, a multi-passionate creative, storyteller, and entrepreneur with a fierce love for movement. This is our space for powerful stories and actionable strategies to help you build mental resilience and elevate your self-care practice. Together, we will unlock the tools that you need to create an unbreakable mind and body. Welcome back to the show. I am your host, Tiana. This is episode 52, and we're going to talk about growth, which is one of my absolute favorite things to discuss. By the end of this episode, you will have three questions that you can reflect upon, that you can journal on, and that you can really sort of sit with, ponder, reflect, discuss, and feel just a little bit better about the growth journey that you are on. And what I'd like for this episode to do for you is give you these questions that you can use at any point in time to really think about how you are developing and going from the person you once were to the person that you are becoming. And I'd like these questions to be tools for you to use when you find yourself struggling, when you feel like you have regressed, when you feel like you maybe have failed a test, and perhaps you did not respond in the way that future you would respond, or that you know the growth version of you would respond. And I want you to show yourself grace. Now, this is going to sound a little unusual, but if you know me or you've been following along on the show for a while, you know that I am a born and raised New Yorker and I am a New York City club kid. Yes, I'm 47 years old. Yes, I was a New York City club kid for a long time, and quite frankly, that is a piece of me that has never really gone away. And a song came out this weekend by a very famous producer, and it is so reminiscent of the music that he used to make 25 plus years ago. And so he's kind of bringing it back to the roots. And I've listened to the track several times. I've posted a little bit uh on social media in my stories just about the nostalgia that keeps bubbling up. And I threw an old video up from uh a club that I used to go to for many years, and it was one of my favorites on 46th Street, Sound Factory. And I also posted something about a little bit later on, I would say maybe not 25 years ago, but more like 18 years ago, and you know, where I had gotten to at that point in time. And it's just a slight a snapshot, just a glimpse of a moment in time. And I shared some things about what I had experienced and where I was at the time that the photo was taken. And throughout my day, I've had a roller coaster ride of emotions. I've been brought to tears several times. And I will say that the song is not a sad song. In fact, it's a happy song, if anything. But the emotions that I've been feeling and this wave I've been riding has a lot to do with the journey that I've been on, with the progress that I've made, and with just looking back and saying, God damn, like look at what I was able to do, look at what I made it through, look at what I overcame, look at what I survived. And truly, that is what I would love to have happen for you. Because that is the whole point of this show, is for you to get through the stuff, the stickiness, the mud, the parts that are maybe not so pretty, the things we don't always share, the things we don't post about, the stuff that you're not gonna curate or frame or or put on a stage. I'm talking about the real shit. And we all have our own journeys to travel through and things that we have to experience, choices that our parents made for us until we were able to then make our own choices and execute, and really just thinking about how you can become this new version of yourself without abandoning the old self. Now, if you're anything like me, perhaps there's been times where maybe you felt a little bit of shame about who you once were. Maybe you were embarrassed about your roots or aspects of your family dynamic, things that you just feel funny about, that are a pain point for you personally. And I'm here to tell you, we all have stuff like that. For some of us, it's things that we'll never be able to fully recover from or get over or work through. And for others, you know, maybe we have resources available to us, and these challenges are things that are certainly a part of a landscape that can be navigated to each their own. And there's no right or wrong answer, there's no right or wrong strategy or way to do it. And these questions that I'm going to empower you with are meant to catalyze a positive change. It may not feel positive in the moment. It may actually stir up some emotions for you that you might not necessarily want to feel at the moment. But I'm encouraging you to feel because the thing is everything the good, the bad, the ugly, the things we're ashamed of, the things we're proud of, all of it makes us who we are. And each of us, while we may share common things and struggles and have things that we can come together on, that we can suffer together through, each of us is unique and each of us has our own story to tell, to share, and to continue to experience. See, that's the beautiful thing about life. Every day, when you wake up, it's another opportunity. And it's an opportunity to either keep repeating cycles or to make change. Now, here's the crazy thing about change that I'm sure is no secret to you. Change can be difficult. Maybe not to make superficial changes, but to really swallow and integrate and embody and become a new version of ourselves. Sometimes that can be really, really tough. So I've noticed something and I thought it was just an observation that I was making, but it turns out it's more common than I thought. Have you ever met someone and they'll jump initially and say something like, oh, you know, yeah, I don't do drama, I'm drama-free, I don't like drama, I don't talk about people behind their back. It's like they make these declarations. And the thing about a declaration to me is that if you have to announce something, again, this is just my perception. If you have to announce something and point out how you don't have a problem with it, immediately I'm going to assume that you do. I'm going to assume you do have a problem, and that is why you are screaming at the top of the mountain, I don't have a problem with this, but really you do. And when it comes to people who do work on themselves, there is a dark side to healing. There is a subculture of people who like to use big words and vocabulary. They may do some healing work, they may go to therapy, they may get a life coach, they may find a really cool journal on TikTok and they buy it. They may learn about a thought leader or someone in the spiritual guru world. And then they become sort of a parrot of those things. And so on a superficial level, they are doing the work. They're going to the meetings, they're watching the YouTube videos, they're listening to the guided meditations, they're doing the journal prompts every morning. Maybe they wake up at 5 a.m. and go out and drink lemon water in the sun. I don't know. You guys probably have heard about all these crazy morning routines that people do, which I think is all bullshit. Listen, if you have a morning routine and it works for you, great. If you are paying attention to someone and they tell you that you should do this and you shouldn't do that, and they give you a 50-step morning routine that doesn't work for your lifestyle, I'm gonna caution you and say you probably shouldn't do that. But I digress. So there's folks that do a lot of the box checking, okay? And then they want to tell everyone about it. I'm so spiritual, I'm I'm healing, I'm going to therapy. And it's almost as if they act and think that they are better than everyone else. It's um an it's a very interesting thing that I see. If you do work and you want to heal yourself, I absolutely applaud you and I commend you. And it is a huge step. And please know no matter how much effort you put into that, no matter how much work you put into making yourself a better person, it really won't matter if you are still treating people like shit, getting road rage, not holding the door for the old lady at the store, or or things like that. Like if you're just doing it to check a box, doing it to make someone happy, doing it for the sake of doing it, but not really processing, not absorbing, not implementing, not embodying the work that you're doing and making some actual change in your behaviors, in the way you think about things, in your relationships, your career, maybe things with your kids, your life, your friends, whatever, your coworkers. If you're not actually doing the hard stuff in your real life, then you still got a lot of work to do. And that ego, that looking down your nose because, oh, you go to therapy, good for you. Good for you. And guess what? I have news for you. The work is never done. And that is one of the hardest lessons that people who go to therapy come to find out, myself included. I remember in 2014, I approached a therapist who was a gym member at a gym I used to work at, and I knew that she did one-on-one counseling. And I approached her in the locker room one day because I had asked her what she does for work, and she told me, and I said, you know, I'd love to talk to you because I haven't been in therapy for about three years, and I really feel like I was just scratching the surface and I have so much more work to do. And she just looked at me and smiled and nodded her head and said, Tiana, there's always more work to do. That's that's that's the thing. And the fact that you're aware of it is a really great step. But I don't know if you necessarily meet need me right now. But if you'd like to meet, please let me know. And I have to say, just that acknowledgement of that peace of like, okay, there isn't something wrong with me. There is more work to do. There's always going to be more work to do. That gave me so much peace and comfort. It was great. Now I will say for me personally, I am not seeing someone actively at the moment. I do have a mentor and we have a group coaching program, and it is fantastic for my mental health. It's not traditional therapy by any means, uh, but it serves as therapy for me. And the cool part is I'm actually working with the same mentor in three different containers. So, in the one, it's really all about your heart and your and your mind. The other container is strategy uh to work on an online offer. And then the third is how to be visible online and do it in a way that feels authentic to me. And I'm learning so much in all three of these programs that I'm enrolled in. It's a lot to do simultaneously along with the podcast, along with my full-time job, as well as maintaining my relationships and be with my friends and family on special occasions and not lose my shit because I have so much to do. But the thing is that we're all busy. So let's get to the three questions because you know I can talk all day long, and that's not my goal here for you. I want these episodes to be useful and digestible and helpful tools for you. So thinking back on becoming a new version of yourself and realizing that you know what, maybe you don't have to continue to suffer anymore. I want you to ask yourself these questions. Question number one Can you give yourself permission to adjust? Can you give yourself permission to adjust, to receive, to be in a new place? And what I mean by that is oftentimes we work so hard to get somewhere. And then let's say we want to, you know, get out of a crappy apartment and move into a new place, but we have to save money, or we have to pick up a side hustle or two, we have to save our funds, we finally get there, we're in a better neighborhood, or we're in that more peaceful space. And it feels awkward and uncomfortable and maybe a little scary. Maybe you start asking yourself, you know, do I deserve this? Is it safe here? And and then you start to think about, you know, the old neighborhood or the old place or the old situation, and really start to doubt yourself, criticize yourself, pick yourself apart, maybe have imposter syndrome. Like, who do you think you are? And that is the inner work that we need to do. Because you don't have to do anything additional or anything special to deserve the things that you want in your life. And most especially if you worked hard to get somewhere, and once you get there, you start doubting yourself or doubting your abilities or doubting that you deserve it. That's when you need to slow down. What's happening is that you need to readjust and acclimate. It's like giving yourself a little bit of breathing room to adjust to the new space, to the new climate, to the new air in the room. Okay. Second question Will you show yourself grace as you become this new version of yourself? So this was one that I really had to struggle, or I really had to think about because I struggled with it. Because I was in an abusive relationship in the early 2000s, around the similar time as to when this uh music that I was reflecting on earlier was out and I was going clubbing a lot. I did meet someone at the Sound Factory, and we wound up getting into a pretty intense relationship pretty quickly. And um, I've I've talked about it on previous episodes. The guy was six years older than me. He was um a complete narcissist. Love bombed me right from the beginning, swept me off my feet. I thought it was the most fucking romantic thing in the whole world. It wasn't romance, it was manipulation. And so when I finally got out of that really toxic situation, I was strapped financially. I had to work three jobs, and I basically did not sleep and uh got my own place, didn't have any furniture, was surviving off the dollar menu at McDonald's, and I couldn't let people know that because I was like a health person. And I remember also that, you know, my mom helped me. She she knew I was struggling uh financially, and she worked at a gym and she was like, you know, I think I can get a friends and family discount for you. And I remember at the time it was like$55 a month, and she said, I'll pay for it until you get back on your feet. And that was so huge for me because uh, you know, I kind of just left for college and didn't really ask my mom for anything after that. And so for her to offer to help me with my membership so that I could have some mental sanity was huge. Now, when I moved into the new apartment and I was spending time there, I sitting on the floor, and then eventually I got a beanbag chair and uh got the cable hooked up. I was watching movies, using the laptop, you know, obviously enjoying my rent and my utility bills, not really going anywhere because I was either working or I was at home. Um, I remember feeling scared, like, oh my God, I'm I'm in this apartment and you know, I'm by myself. And, you know, do I deserve to be here? Who do I think I am? Maybe I belong back with that guy. He used to tell me horrible things, especially towards the end of the relationship, because he knew that I was a lot smarter than him. I made more money than him, but he was so good at manipulating me, belittling me, brainwashing me, making me feel like a complete piece of shit. But those those were all projections, you know, that was those were reflections of himself. And it took me quite a long time to realize that he wasn't gonna come and try to get me. And I was in a safe place and I could actually breathe and fall asleep at night. And I had to be patient with myself as I was continuously triggered or reactive or scared and then feeling frustrated because I was reacting. So, you know, it's interesting when you are a self-aware person, you really have to slow down the judgment, the self-judgment, and let yourself live and be present in the moment. Um, I used to think it was a superpower that I could observe my behavior as I'm behaving. And I actually think that that's very detrimental because it impedes living in the moment. And it's almost as if if you're if you're judging yourself as you're moving through life consistently and constantly, are you actually living or are you playing a role? Just something to think about. So as I was judging myself for reacting or having knee-jerk responses to things and then feeling shame about it, I needed to be more graceful. Now, here's the third question when your old self revisits, how will you respond? And I think this is a really good question because Thanksgiving's coming, the holidays are coming, and new year, and we're gonna be put in rooms with a lot of people that may have the uncanny ability to very easily trigger ush, us, provoke us, and make us lose our shit quickly. You know, the the relatives who maybe force you into an awkward hug longer than you want to be, or that are food pushers, or that make inappropriate comments, or that are way too comfortable with you and your partner, and you don't like it. You know, there's all sorts of situations. And even if the family dynamic is a little less toxic, there's still a lot of room for chaos and discomfort. And so it will bring up, especially if it's your family, it will bring up triggers and things from your past, maybe from your childhood or from years long gone that you wanted to forget about. And so when those times show up, will how will you respond? I know for me and for my brothers, we've had to do a lot of work on establishing boundaries and doing it in a respectful way. In fact, I had a conversation with my mom today about boundaries, and she she had called and asked me a question, and I said, Well, this person is establishing a boundary with you. So once they do that, there's no but. You know, like you can't keep pressing the issue. They gave you a response, they established a boundary. It wasn't disrespectful or rude or hurtful, but it was a boundary nonetheless. And if you consistently push, well, then they're gonna get mad, and then you're gonna get the yelling and the screaming and the anger and maybe get cursed out or have the phone hung up on you. So you need to respect the boundary when they show it the first time. When I tell you that that was very hard for me to do because we didn't have a lot of boundaries growing up, and I gotta tell you, my mom didn't have any when she was growing up in her household either. So it's not impossible to teach your older relatives or your parents something, but they have to be open to it. And it was very telling because clearly the situation was confusing to my mom, and she heard me out and she actually thanked me in the end of the conversation, which is great. So let's go back and review these questions because I want you to be nice to yourself, because growing is hard, it's uncomfortable, it's icky, it's sticky, it's it's like a cha-cha dance. You're gonna do two steps forward and one step back, one step to the side, turn around, kick, and then start again. And I totally just pretended to be dancing while I'm talking into the microphone. I wish you could have seen that. So, number one, can you give yourself permission to adjust or to receive or to just be in this new space? Number two, will you show yourself grace as you become the new version of yourself? And number three, when your old self revisits, how will you respond? Now I want to touch on one more thing before we wrap it up. There is something really important. As you're becoming a new version of yourself, I want you to realize that you are not abandoning your old self. And here is the connection to the song that I mentioned in the beginning of this episode, the song that stirred up a lot of emotions for me. And I actually cried on the yoga mat today in class because it we talked about surrendering. And for a long time I did not know how to be myself. And then this newer version of me who is more open-minded, softer, patient, uh a little less judgmental, nicer to people, less attached to outcomes, far less uh super superficial. Uh, I used to be very much into like my appearance. I'm still, I'm not gonna say I'm not, it's just not as important as it used to be. My looks were everything back in the day, and that's because I didn't like myself. And so I used to feel like I had to look perfect all the time and have the best body and have good hair and have great skin and you know, and everything needed to be just so. Otherwise, the world was coming crashing down on me. And so, in this interesting period of time over the last, I would say, I'm gonna say about five years, I've realized that I don't need to abandon the old version of me. I need to appreciate her. And it's not that I'm letting everything go, but I am gonna be letting go of some of the things that she had to do in order to get me to this place, and I'm grateful for it. But I also don't need to keep carrying all of that weight with me anymore because I've made peace with a lot of it, and so here is where the tears came from today, because there's a lot of grief around surrendering and becoming this new version. My mentor recently posted something and it really struck me because she said that she had moved into her dream house after getting her business to a uh really special place, and for the first couple of months, she was basically like really upset and overwhelmed, and she couldn't figure out what the problem was, and it was realizing she didn't have to suffer anymore. And while that is good news, she had to ask herself the question who are you if you don't have to suffer anymore? And that really landed with me. Because that girl who used to go clubbing all of the time in the late 90s, in the early 2000s, and well into the 2010s. And yes, even during that time period, I went through several transformations, but there was still a lot of suffering that was going on, a lot of hard work, a lot of strife, a lot of heartache, a lot of pain. And there's been a lot of healing work that has had to take place. So now that I feel more peace and I'm not necessarily suffering like I once was, don't get me wrong, there's still a lot of work to do here. But now that I'm not suffering like I once was, I had to rediscover who I am. Because I don't have to suffer like that anymore. And if I continue on the path that I'm on, I never will. So as you're doing this work and as you are learning about the version of yourself that you're becoming, remember to integrate the old you and the new you. And that is who you are right now. So sometimes you're gonna feel a little bit more of the old you, and sometimes you're gonna feel a little bit less, and all of that is okay. I hope this makes sense. If you want to talk about this any further, please send me a text. There's a way to do that if you check the show notes. I just want to say thank you again for tuning in, my loyal listener. It is because of you that I keep showing up every week. It is because of you that I have found a really healthy and safe place for me to share my stories with you and to do it in a way that is constructive and helpful for both of us. I hope you enjoyed this episode. I'm grateful for your time and attention. And as always, I'll catch you on the next one.